Hey, Mr Bachelor Man
by Serenity Goddess
Summary: [EPILOGUE POSTED](L/L) It's Stars Hollow's first annual bachelor auction, and for some strange reason, Lorelai manages to get Luke to participate. How about that ...
1. The Start of Something Twisted

Hey, Mr. Bachelor Man  
  
ONE : The Start of Something Twisted  
  
"So, I switch on the TV right, and there's this group of people living on an island," said Lorelai. "And I was thinking, God, are they revamping Gilligan's Island?"  
  
"Ah, if only." Rory sighed.  
  
"Yeah, but then, wait, I don't remember the people on Gilligan's Island being this annoying, so I said to myself, 'Lorelai, this is not Gilligan's Island 2002'. I mean, I really said those actual words out to myself. Out loud. Nobody was there at the time, so I don't really have proof of this, but you have to take my word for it."  
  
"I usually do."  
  
"Aha, right, so see, I watch it for a few more minutes, and this crazy bunch of nuts all grab these little poles and hike off somewhere, where they sit around a fire, where some other guy, totally hot, by the way, asks them stupid questions like 'So, what is it like living on an island?'"  
  
"Such is the folly of hot guys. Always asking stupid questions."  
  
"Yeah, and if you think that's good," said Lorelai, "I haven't even reached the best part yet. After that, one by one, they all walk to a little camera, and write somebody's name down and say that they're kicking their dehydrated ass off that island because they're a whiny pain in the neck, and of course, no hard feelings."  
  
"Hard feelings are usually never involved when calling one a whiny pain in the neck."  
  
"So, Hot Guy tallies the votes, and I use that term lightly, because, frankly, we all know who's gonna get their sorry butt tossed from that tropical paradise, because, hello, whiny pain in the neck."  
  
"Ah," Rory sighed, "The predictability of prime time television."  
  
"So when Whiny Pain In The Neck finally does get the boot, everybody's like, 'oh, what a hard vote to cast', when really, you know they were skipping their way to that little camera. Add some jump rope a bubbly schoolgirl giggle and you have me in third grade."  
  
"Or you last year at the new Stop Sign unveiling."  
  
"Yes," Lorelai replied, "I don't thinkTaylor was amused."  
  
"Taylor's never amused."  
  
Lorelai pushed open the door to Luke's diner and walked in. She went up to the counter where Luke was. Jess was standing nearby, supposedly helping out. Rory waved at the both of them and went to sit at an empty table.  
  
"One tea please," said Lorelai. "Ha ha ha, oh gosh, I crack myself up."  
  
"Well, that makes one of us."  
  
"Coffee please."  
  
"What if I said no?"  
  
"What if I refused to accept that?"  
  
"What if I told you that I'm not going to give you any coffee until you agree to cut down?"  
  
"What if I told you I'd sooner kill you than have no coffee?"  
  
"What if I told you that if I die, my coffee dies with me?"  
  
"You wouldn't."  
  
"I would."  
  
"You wouldn't."  
  
"I would."  
  
Jess sighed. "Hey, Giggle Twins, people are actually trying to eat here. It would help if you actually stopped invoking sharp pangs of nausea."  
  
"Go to your room, Jess," demanded Luke.  
  
"I thought you wanted me to help."  
  
"I changed my mind. Go to your room and do your homework."  
  
"Well, actually I was supposed to go school, but going to my room works fine with me as well."  
  
"Okay, then go to school."  
  
"What if I refused to accept that?" Jess imitated Lorelai in a mock high-pitched tone. "Would you throw your arms around me and give me a big fat kiss?"  
  
"Hey," said Lorelai. "If you're going to mock me, at least stick to the script."  
  
"Jess," said Luke, his annoyance showing. "Go to school."  
  
"It's still early, but fine. Beats being here with the KC and the Sunshine Band anytime." Jess said and picked up his bag from behind the counter. He waved at Rory and walked out of the diner.  
  
"Sorry about that," said Luke.   
  
"It's okay," said Lorelai, "Give me coffee and all is forgiven. Oh yeah, and Rory probably wants some pancakes."  
  
"You don't?"  
  
"No, I don't. I'm taking your advice, cutting down on all that unhealthy stuff. From now on it's only healthy breakfasts for me. I will have a celery stick, and a leaf of lettuce. Oh, heck, I think I need to lose some weight, so drop the lettuce. Rory, however, that greedy child, wants enough pancakes for two people, and she would prefer it if they came in plates of two, complete with two different sets of cutlery. Some people say she's crazy, but I call her mildly eccentric, as most geniuses are. Like Einstein, or Yoko Ono."  
  
"Your pancakes are on their way."  
  
"Hey, you forgot the coffee," said Lorelai, motioning to the coffee pot he was holding. She rummaged through her handbag and took out a straw. "Leave the pot, I brought my own straw."  
  
"Very amusing," said Luke, as he took out two mugs and poured the hot coffee into them. "And when I'm giving you two cups, I'm expecting you to only have one, and give Rory the other."  
  
"Oh, please," Lorelai responded, "As if I would steal coffee from my own daughter. My very own flesh and blood. I'm almost insulted. I'm going away now."  
  
Lorelai pretended to huff and took her two mugs of coffee back to Rory. Rory took hers gratefully and drank from it immediately.  
  
"The resemblance is uncanny," said Lorelai, before gulping down her own.  
  
"What were you and Luke talking about there, for so long?" asked Rory.   
  
"Nah, just the usual. He accused me of things which are , like only 80% true."  
  
"Well, at least he didn't cross the line and actually say something 85% truthful, because that would really be rude."   
  
"So, Rory, I'm thinking of getting new glasses," said Lorelai, "What do you think… Lisa Loeb glasses : sexy or cruel governess?"  
  
"You don't need new glasses," said Rory. "You just said that so you could bring up Lisa Loeb."  
  
"No, I didn't," Lorelai insisted. "But since you brought her up, I'd really like to say that, when you release a song called "Stay", you are supposed to hang around the industry a little bit."  
  
"I want my pancakes."  
  
"Luke's working on them," said Lorelai, "Did you notice he had a new cap today?"  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
"He does. It's pink, has a feather and some glitter dust all over it."  
  
"Oh, that isn't new," said Rory. "He's been wearing that for the past week or so. It's been the fad ever since Leonardo DiCaprio wore one."  
  
"Hah, but seriously, he has a new cap," Lorelai said, "Which I find interesting, because can you imagine Luke shopping for caps? What does he do? Turn it backwards and look at it? Does he model them? Ask if he looks fat in them? What?"  
  
"I don't know, Mom," Rory answered, "Popular to contrary belief, I have actually more pressing matters on my mind than how Luke shops for new headgear."  
  
"But how can you not think about it?" Lorelai answered, "Come on. Luke. Shopping. There's a whole sitcom somewhere in there already. I think Jennifer Anniston is attached to star."  
  
"I'm not fond of repetition, but I want my pancakes."  
  
Taylor came into the store, holding a bunch of leaflets. He walked over to Lorelai and Rory and handed them one. "Hi, girls, just thought I'd let you know about this little thing we're having this Sunday."  
  
Lorelai read the leaflet. "Lost cat. You're having one on Sunday? Stir-fried or barbecued?"  
  
"Wrong leaflet," said Taylor, taking it back and handing her a new one.  
  
Rory leaned over to Lorelai and read it out loud. "Stars Hollow's Yearly Bachelor Auction. We have a Yearly Bachelor Auction?"  
  
"It's our first this year," said Taylor. "It's going to be great – all the proceeds will go towards the Stars Hollow Statue Fund."  
  
"Ah, a noble cause indeed," said Lorelai, "Because all the retarded children are just greedy little runts anyway."  
  
"Mom!" said Rory.  
  
"The Stars Hollow Statue Fund is a genuine and…"  
  
"So one of the statues is missing a head," said Lorelai, "Big deal. I say it's kind of artistic, and reminds me of this other Hollow I know … Sleepy."  
  
"Well, Lorelai, as much as the rest of us would love to have our town equated with another that houses a decapitated mass murderer," Taylor said, "The Stars Hollow Statue Fund is what everything is going to, and it would do you good if you supported at least something going on in this town."  
  
"Did you not see me at the stop sign unveiling last year?"  
  
"It's true," said Rory, "She was very in the spirit."  
  
"Well, clearly, I see I'm wasting my time here," said Taylor.  
  
"Oh, come on, Taylor, I was just kidding," Lorelai said. "Please tell me more about this fascinating event that I am dying to be a part of. Which guys are going to be on the market?"  
  
"The list isn't final yet," said Taylor, "But since it's a local thing, they're all going to be from Stars Hollow. I can confidently tell you that yours truly is one of many participating in this event."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"And Kirk."  
  
"Well, if that's the case," said Lorelai, "I don't think I can wait till Sunday. Let's have it right now."  
  
"Actually, Lorelai," said Taylor, who decided to ignore her last comment, "I was hoping for your assistance in one particular matter."  
  
"No, Taylor. I'm not doing my 'I'm a Slave 4 U' performance again. One time is enough."  
  
"Charming really," muttered Taylor under his breath. "What I actually meant, was that if you could get Luke to join in it would really help."  
  
"Luke?" asked Rory.  
  
"Eh?" Lorelai made a weird noise to accentuate her confusion. "Why me?"  
  
"Well, clearly, you're the only one he talks to without barking, or making any other animal noises," said Taylor, "So if anybody can get through to him, it's you."  
  
"I know Luke, Taylor, and he'd rather pawn off his grandmother than participate in any of this kind of events," said Lorelai, "So I think we're both better off saving our breath."  
  
"Oh, but I really want to see Luke at a bachelor auction," said Rory. "I really do. And I'm sure we can raise a pretty penny for that statue fund. I think Miss Patty has been saving long and hard for an event like this."  
  
"He won't do it," said Lorelai. "Although, I must admit, I would really like to see that happening."  
  
"You'll ask him, won't you?" said Taylor. "The thing's on Sunday so if you could work fast it would be great."  
  
"Well, I'll try, Taylor, but no promises," said Lorelai. "And if he bans me from this diner I'm suing you for emotional distress."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Taylor. Noticing that Luke was coming out from the back, he decided a hasty retreat was best. "Remember. Sunday."  
  
He left the diner quickly, just as Luke arrived at their table with their pancakes. Lorelai folded the leaflet and slid it into her purse. "Was that Taylor just now?"  
  
"Hmmm?" asked Lorelai.  
  
"Was that Taylor?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"That man just now, who was at your table. Was that Taylor? What did he want?"  
  
"What did who want?"  
  
"Taylor."  
  
"Taylor was here?"  
  
"Yes, he was I saw him. What did he want?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"If it's okay with you guys," said Rory, reaching for her cutlery, "I'm starting on my pancakes."  
  
"Go ahead, sweetie," said Lorelai. "We're going to be a while."  
  
"Lorelai, what did Taylor want?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Stop that."  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
"Luke, your pancakes aren't fluffy enough," said Rory, between bites. "I'm sorry, but it's true."  
  
"Oh, I want to say something, but then it would be too easy," said Lorelai. "Hehe… his pancakes aren't fluffy enough."  
  
Luke glared at Lorelai and Rory. "I think I like the counter better."  
  
"I'm sorry, Luke, come back," called Lorelai dramatically as Luke walked back to the counter. "Don't leave us, damn it! Your daughter wants to know her father!"  
  
"Daddy! Don't you love me anymore?" chimed in Rory.   
  
"Argh, just eat your pancakes, will you?" Luke said, without looking back.  
  
"You think he's annoyed?" Lorelai asked in hushed tones.  
  
"I don't know. He did grunt."  
  
"He always grunts."  
  
"Good point," said Rory. "So, when are you going to ask him about the Bachelor Auction?"  
  
"Ah, about that," Lorelai said, "Just wait and see. The timing has to be absolutely perfect."  
  
"Maybe you should wash your hair."  
  
"I just did. This morning."  
  
"Oh," said Rory, staring at her mother's hair. "Maybe you should wash it again. Split ends."  
  
"No."  
  
"Like the Spice Girls and any marriage in Beverly Hills. Splitsville," said Rory. "So, you going to ask him today?"  
  
"I don't know yet. I have to plan this out meticulously."  
  
"I can't wait."  
  
"Me neither."  
  
* * * to be continued * * * 


	2. Lorelai Gilmore For The Block, Please

TWO: LORELAI GILMORE FOR THE BLOCK, PLEASE  
  
"Gotta run, or I'm going to miss the bus," said Rory, getting up quickly. "And if I'm late, I may set off a catastrophic chain of events which might only end with my tragic suicide. I'll see you after school."  
  
"Take care, don't run with scissors, you know the drill," said Lorelai as she waved at Rory who was already halfway out the door.  
  
"Yeah, bye," Rory managed to yell out before the diner door shut.  
  
"Sometimes I don't know who fathered her," Lorelai said, as she walked to the counter where Luke was, "Christopher or Speedy Gonzales."  
  
"Christopher or Speedy Gonzales what?" asked Luke, who did not manage to catch the first part of what Lorelai said.  
  
"I'm staging a home version of Hollywood Squares and I can't decide who to fill in the ninth square," said Lorelai, hopping on one of the bar stools. "So I've narrowed it down to Christopher and Speedy Gonzales… unless you want it, then I can give you the upper middle square and you can be on top of me. Oh, that sounds wrong."  
  
"Why do you even bother talking?"  
  
"Because my beautiful voice sends shivers down your spine," said Lorelai, "Hey, Luke?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I know that tone, you want something, and there's a very high chance that it'll be something I don't want to do, and you know this, but you're asking me anyways, so I'm telling you right now – no."  
  
"I haven't even said anything yet."  
  
"Whatever it is – no."  
  
"But I haven't …"  
  
"No."  
  
"If you don't know what it is , how are you …"  
  
"No."  
  
"But what if it's …"  
  
"Lorelai…"  
  
"Fine, I won't ask you then."  
  
"Good."  
  
Lorelai drummed her fingers on the counter impatiently for about a minute, before speaking again. "How about, if I make a statement, that with proper analysis, could be construed as a question?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How about if I give you a hypothetical situation, where this girl … Lucy , wants to ask this guy … Duke… something? Completely fictional characters. It'd be like I was telling you a story."  
  
"But you'd still be asking me something."  
  
"No, you're missing the point," said Lorelai. "I'd be telling you the story of somebody asking for something. It's a whole different ball game."  
  
"Okay, fine, I'll listen."  
  
"Good," Lorelai clapped her hands carefully. "There was this girl, Lucy, who most people would call absolutely beau…"  
  
"I meant you can just ask me like a normal person."  
  
"But I really had a good story planned," sighed Lorelai. "Fine, but it's a very strange request, so I have to pretend to ask you about it 'by the way' , just slip it into a normal conversation. So, Luke, how was your day so far?"  
  
Luke raised an eyebrow at her. "It was okay."  
  
"Speaking of flyers," said Lorelai suddenly, taking out the leaflet from her purse. "I just happened to come across one of these babies this morning. I, for one, have not read it before, maybe we can read it together."  
  
"If it's something that Taylor gave you, you can forget…"  
  
Lorelai unfolded the leaflet. "What's this? Stars Hollow First Annual Bachelor Auction?"  
  
Luke's eyes narrowed immediately. "Forget it."  
  
"And what's these little words here? All proceeds go to the Stars Hollow Statue Fund?" Lorelai read out loud. "Surely there can't be a better cause than that."  
  
"It's a stupid fund to fix a stupid statue, so throw that stupid leaflet away and save your time, because I'm not going to participate in that pathetic excuse of an event."  
  
"It's on Sunday," said Lorelai, seemingly ignoring Luke's comments. "Oh, here's a crazy idea, why don't you join this?"  
  
"Yes, it's a crazy idea, but coming from a crazy person it's not much of a shock to me."  
  
"Come on Luke," said Lorelai pleadingly. "I'll give you five dollars."  
  
"No."  
  
"Ten."  
  
"No."  
  
"Twenty."  
  
"No."  
  
"See, it's kind of like we're bidding aren't we?" Lorelai said, "You're a natural! You're meant to do this."  
  
"Leave me alone."  
  
"If you do this, I'll give you thirty dollars, and a popsicle."  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Okay, forty dollars, and I'll throw in Rory, a sweet young girl that you can raise as your very own. Chilton uniform and emotional baggage sold separately."  
  
"Why are you so interested in this anyway? What's in it for you?" Luke asked, planting his hands firmly on the counter.   
  
"What's in it for me? Do you have to ask?" Lorelai responded. "Just the pleasure of serving my fellow townsfolk, and helping raise enough money to beautify our little corner of the world, is enough payment for me. You know what they say … virtue is its own reward."  
  
"Liar."  
  
"Fine, if you want to know the truth," said Lorelai. "If I bid on you and win, I get to make you my personal love slave for the entire night."  
  
"It does not say that," said Luke, snatching the leaflet from Lorelai, trying to desperately hide the fact that that was really something he wouldn't mind happening. It is, after all for charity. "You're making everything up."  
  
"I am not," said Lorelai, "And what I can tell you is, if you do this, you'll get Taylor off both our backs, I can guarantee you that much."  
  
"I don't care about Taylor. He can stay on my back for as long as he wants, I don't listen to him anyway."  
  
"Maybe so, but can you imagine this," Lorelai said, "A world, where Taylor doesn't tell us to do anything, because, well, we've all helped out in his last stupid event."  
  
"I know Taylor. It won't stop at this. In a few months time he'll be starting all over again."  
  
"But what a glorious few months that would be."  
  
"You know, if you're so smart, you join."  
  
"I am. I will be doing the bidding," said Lorelai, "So, if you play your cards right, that sexy flannel covered body of yours will be all mine."  
  
"It won't be anyone's," said Luke, who was slightly turned on but tried not to show it. "Because I'm not doing this."  
  
"Please."  
  
"No."  
  
"I'll bid on you," said Lorelai, "So you won't end up with Miss Patty, or Loretta the one-eyed gypsy hag."  
  
"Thanks, but no thanks."  
  
"Come on," said Lorelai, "Think about it, you'll be Taylor free for a while, and you won't have to be stuck with some horny man-crazy psychopath."  
  
"I thought you said you were bidding on me."  
  
"Ha, ha," Lorelai gave a fake laugh. "Funny. Please, Luke, it's risk-free, and lots of fun, and Headless Statue will be reunited with its head. It won't be the same head, since they'll be building one from scratch, but I think it will be a tearful reunion anyhow."  
  
"No."  
  
"Please."  
  
"No."  
  
"Pleaseeee, Luke."  
  
"Stop that, you sound like a dying weasel."  
  
"Pleaseeee… Luke. I'll be your very best friend, and I'll double your tip today."  
  
Luke sighed. "If I do it will you stop whining?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And Taylor will get off my back?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And you'll make sure Miss Patty, Loretta or any other disgusting woman don't get to lay their hands on me."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And you'll double my tip."  
  
"Oh, geez, now you're really pushing it," said Lorelai. She gave him a trademark Lorelai cheerful smile. "Are you going to do it?"  
  
Luke, through all his years of knowing her, was as of yet still unable to master the art of resisting the charms of Lorelai Gilmore and her Smile of Doom. He sighed, quite aware that this was one inner battle he wasn't going to win anyway. "Okay."  
  
* to be continued *  
  
A/N: Yeah, I know, Luke caved in a little too easily, but I had to get the story moving, don't I? My apologies. :) 


	3. A Truck or Van Will Work Just As Well

THREE: A TRUCK OR VAN WILL WORK JUST AS WELL  
  
"Mom!" exclaimed Rory as she got down from the bus, slinging her backpack over her left shoulder. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"You don't want me here?" Lorelai stood by the bench, holding two plastic cups of coffee. "Well, I guess I'll have to drink both these cups, then. It's disgusting, but I don't like to encourage wastefulness."  
  
"Gimme," said Rory, reaching out for one of the cups. She took it with both hands, undid the cover and literally inhaled her coffee. "Mmm."  
  
"Let's go to Luke's," said Lorelai, "I have a sudden craving for donuts."  
  
"You always have a craving for donuts. After eighteen years you can no longer call them 'sudden'. Why didn't you get them when you go the coffee?" Rory asked. "You have much to learn in the ways of efficiency."  
  
"If I got the donuts then," Lorelai replied, "You wouldn't have any now, because I would have eaten them all even though at the time of purchased, I would have bought enough for the both of us. Waiting makes me hungry, irritable, and prone to humming Diana Ross material. I was on the second verse of that Land Before Time song when you interrupted me. By the way, is it just me, or did it seem totally fitting that Diana Ross had to sing the theme song for a dinosaur movie?"  
  
"You're weird."  
  
"Well, newsflash, you share fifty percent of my genes, so things not looking so great for you, either," her mother said as they started walking. "How was school today?"  
  
"Ugh, I've had better," said Rory, "We have this new kid, who's supposed to be like this super genius prodigy child, right. So he's only twelve, but he's in my class, and Paris is going crazy because there's more competition for her now, and normally I would be fine with that, but unfortunately, twelve year olds also have the mentality of twelve year olds."  
  
"Did he throw spit balls at you?"  
  
"I wish," said Rory, "He kept following me around calling me 'Rory Tory'. What's that about? If it were a nickname that made sense, at least there would be some consolation."  
  
"You know, you should actually be thankful you share my name," said Lorelai. "It's so hard to rhyme things with Lorelai.Except this one time, Lucy McNamara called me 'Whore-elai' after she thought I stole her boyfriend."  
  
"Did you?"  
  
"Of course not," said Lorelai. "I can't believe you even had to ask me that."  
  
"Sorry. Reflex. Did she ever stop?"  
  
"Well, she got hit by a bus two weeks later so her priorities sort of changed."  
  
"Great," said Rory, "So I have to find a bus and lure that kid in front of it to give me any peace of mind."  
  
"It doesn't have to be a bus," said Lorelai, "I hear a truck or van works just as well."  
  
"I'll keep that under advisement," Rory nodded, "Hey, so did you manage to talk to Luke about that whole bachelor auction thing? I can't get over it, I was so thrilled with the idea that I spent my entire Shakespeare class drawing pictures of Luke being bid on."  
  
"You lie."  
  
"Okay, so I contemplated drawing pictures," said Rory, "So did you ask him?"   
  
"Yeah," said Lorelai, "And maybe you should bite on a spoon or something first, because I'm about to tell you that he has agreed to do it."  
  
"Oh my god! That's so cool," said Rory, "I would clap my hands but the coffee would spill. How did you do it?"  
  
"I had to tie him up and put bamboo shoots under his fingernails," replied Lorelai, "But I would like to think that it was my supernatural powers of persuasion that finally won him over."  
  
"You didn't flirt with him , did you? Do that fluttering-eyelash-giggly-airhead-hike-up-your-skirt-a-couple-of-inches-oops-look-how-low-cut-my-blouse-is-airhead thing?"  
  
"I have no idea what you just said."  
  
"You know how you can get when you want something from him," said Rory, who started imitating Lorelai in a high pitched voice, giggling and twirling her hair with her finger. "Hee hee, Oooh, pleassee Luke, hee hee hee."  
  
"That's a damaging misrepresentation," said Lorelai, "And I'm not having this conversation with you anymore."  
  
"Did you hide the bamboo shoots down your blouse and make him look for it *before* you shoved them under his fingernails?"  
  
"Please… stop… talking. Brain… hurts." Lorelai pushed open the door to Luke's. "I want my donuts, and if you don't stop I'm going to play ring-toss using the donuts and your Pinocchio like nose."  
  
Lorelai and Rory found an empty table by the window and sat down. Lorelai took a menu from the center of the table and looked at it. Luke came over.  
  
"Back again, I see," said Luke. "I see the coffee doesn't even last for an hour now."  
  
"She's here to eat this time," said Rory.  
  
"Thank you, sweet, kind, Rory, I did not know I had gone mute and was incapable of answering questions myself," Lorelai said, over the menu.  
  
"We can still hope, I guess." said Luke.  
  
"Hey, Lumberjack," said Lorelai, "You want to halve your tip?"  
  
"Half the time you don't even pay for the meal," said Luke, "So the existence of a tip is pretty much depends on whimsical optimism on my part. So, what are you having?"  
  
"Hmm, I don't know," said Lorelai, looking at the menu. "What's good here?"  
  
"Lorelai…" Luke sighed.  
  
"Yes, thank you, but actually I was referring to what was good to *eat*."  
  
"Tell me," said Lorelai, "What is your… soup of the day?"  
  
"You don't want soup."  
  
"How do you know I don't want soup? I don't even know what soup it is. For all you know, it could be some sort of soup which I have waited my whole life to try, but never had the opportunity to. It could be the soup that might change my life."  
  
"Every day you come in here, and you never order soup, unless you're sick. I assume you're here for the donuts. How many, and what kind?"  
  
"Today, I am interested in the soup."  
  
"No, you're not."  
  
"Yes, I am. I realized that my body is 70% water, and what could be friendlier to my body than soup, something which is made almost entirely out of water. What's the soup of the day?"  
  
"Tomato."  
  
"I don't like tomato soup," said Lorelai. "What other type of soup do you have?"  
  
"Mushroom. Chicken."  
  
"Hmmm, I'm not sure about the mushroom, but I like the sound of chicken soup."  
  
"So, one chicken soup."  
  
"No, I'll have two jelly donuts, please," said Lorelai. "Rory?"  
  
Rory looked at Luke. "Hmm.. what's your soup of the day again?"  
  
"You know, I can throw the both of you out," said Luke. "I'm writing down two jelly donuts, whether you want them or not."   
  
He walked back to the counter, put four donuts on a plate and handed it to them.  
  
"Thank you," said Rory, taking a donut. "So, Luke, I heard you're participating in the bachelor event this Sunday."  
  
"Yeah," Luke mumbled, "But it's just a one time thing, so don't expect me to suddenly start putting streamers all over my diner and singing the Stars Hollow anthem."  
  
"There's a Stars Hollow anthem?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"I heard about that," said Rory, "Apparently Taylor wrote one a couple of years back, but people couldn't remember the words."  
  
"It was a complete rip-off of God Save The Queen," Luke started, "I mean, the man says he loves this town, but he can't even take the time to write an original, non-plagiarized anthem, but if I don't put up stupid Halloween decorations or Christmas lights he gets on my case."  
  
"Calm down, there, Sparky," said Lorelai, "But after Sunday, you will live a quiet, Taylor-free life. And so will I. And hopefully, Rory, and the generations after her, will also get to experience the harmony I felt."  
  
"I hope so," said Rory, "But I don't think Taylor's going to live for that long."  
  
"That man is the Devil," said Lorelai, "And everybody knows the Devil lives forever. Don't you learn anything in Sunday school?"  
  
"I don't go to Sunday school."  
  
"Hmph. Suddenly that explains a lot."  
  
"So, what are you wearing?" Rory asked Luke.  
  
"Now?" Luke looked down at himself.  
  
"No," said Rory. "For the auction."  
  
"I have to wear something?"  
  
"Well," said Lorelai, "I'm sure doing it naked would get the Statue Fund a couple more dollars but yes, in general, you have to wear something."  
  
"You know what I meant," said Luke. "Because, I'm not dressing up for this thing."  
  
"You're not thinking of going to the auction in that, are you?" Lorelai poked at him.  
  
"Don't poke me," said Luke, "And what's wrong with this?"  
  
"Nothing," said Lorelai, "If you're planning on chopping wood for the little house on the prairie, but you know, when you're at the auction, you've got to be snazzy, formal."  
  
"Okay, if that's the case," said Luke, turning to go, "Count me out."  
  
"Come on," said Lorelai, reaching out and pulling him back, "It's not that bad. And besides, I'm not going to bid on you if you're out there looking like you should be standing next to a tree stump and holding an axe."  
  
"You're bidding on him?" said Rory, perking up.  
  
"It's not what it sounds like," said Luke, "And you don't have to worry about that, because I'm pulling out."  
  
"You can't," gasped Lorelai, "I already told Taylor, he was so happy, he almost showed a hint of an expression. You pull out and he'll blacklist us. Forever. I'll never be able to go to the grocery store again."  
  
"First you tell me it's a one time thing," said Luke, "Now you tell me there's formal wear involved. Anything else you want to spring out on me?"  
  
"Well, there is a swimsuit competition, but I think you can pass on that one."  
  
"Funny," said Luke.  
  
"So, I'll come over tomorrow, and then we can go," said Lorelai.  
  
"Go where?"  
  
"Shopping."  
  
"I'm not going shopping with you."  
  
"We have to get you formal wear."  
  
"I already have enough from the last time you maxed out my credit card. Remember?"  
  
"Oh, that was ages ago," said Lorelai, "And it wasn't Bachelor Auction Formal Wear. That was Generic Formal Wear. There's a difference, and everybody knows that you can't wear Generic Formal Wear for a bachelor auction. That will throw the whole world off it's axis, and things will never be the same again."  
  
"I suggest a theme," said Rory, "Like light pastel colors."  
  
"You're lucky I don't have a gun," Luke deadpanned. "Both of you."  
  
"Four o'clock fine?" asked Lorelai.  
  
"Fine," said Luke, turning away, "Just as long as you make it quick. I don't want to spend six hours there trying to find a nice belt."  
  
"He caves way too easily," said Lorelai, looking at him go. "Way too easy."  
  
* to be continued ... next: Lorelai and Luke go a-shopping! * be kind, give feedback :) 


	4. Meow for Mommy

FOUR: MEOW FOR MOMMY  
  
  
"I'm here, I'm here," said Lorelai as she barged into the diner, obviously uninterested the people in it were staring at her as if she were a lunatic. She walked up to Luke, who was taking orders from a young couple sitting in the corner. She tapped him on the shoulder. "Come on Luke, put on a sparkling shirt and your best pair of walking shoes, because we're going a-shopping."  
  
"Do you mind?" Luke asked. "I'm in the middle of taking orders here."  
  
"Sorry," said Lorelai. She paused for a moment, before piping up again. "Are you done yet?"  
  
"No, I'm not. Go sit at the counter for a while."  
  
"I don't want to."  
  
"You can have a free donut while you're waiting."  
  
"Bye," said Lorelai as she went over to the counter. She picked up a nice, juicy looking donut and put it on a plate. "Yum."  
  
"What are you doing?" said Jess, popping up from under the counter. "Those aren't free, you know."  
  
"Gah!" Lorelai nearly dropped her donut. "What the crap? Don't pop up from under counters. It's very eerie, only murderers do that, and you nearly made me drop my donut."  
  
"The donut you didn't pay for."  
  
"Since when were you the poster boy for capitalism?"  
  
"Look," said Jess, "I got into trouble with Uncle Luke the last time I gave out free food."  
  
"You gave out free food? To whom?"  
  
"None of your business," Jess answered, "But she was totally worth it. Not that Luke cares though. So put your hands in the air and put that donut back slowly."  
  
"Luke said I could have it," said Lorelai, biting into her donut nonchalantly, "So don't worry about it. Mmm. It tastes much better when you don't have to pay for it."  
  
"So it's all right when he does it."  
  
"Newsflash, he owns the place," said Lorelai.  
  
"What are you doing, here anyways?" Jess asked bluntly, "I think there are some rabbits out there missing their cheerful disposition."  
  
"Don't you have a school to burn down or something?"  
  
"Been there, done that."  
  
Luke walked up to them and tore off the front sheet of his notepad and slid it to Jess. "Take this to Caesar, and tell him to take over for the day. I'm heading out."  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"We're going shopping," said Lorelai, getting up. "We need to get him new clothes for the bachelor auction tomorrow. Flannel is so out."  
  
Jess did his best not to hide his amusement. "You're taking part in that stupid bachelor auction?"  
  
"It's just to get Taylor to shut up," said Luke quickly, not eager to hear what Jess had to say about this. He headed out the door. Lorelai followed him. "It's just a one time thing."  
  
"Nah, I don't think so," said Jess quietly as he watched the two of them leave. "It never is."  
  
*  
  
"So, let me get this clear with you, so there are no misunderstandings," said Luke, as they walked into the men's department. "We get in, we pick something, we buy it, and we get out."  
  
"Then what's the point?"  
  
"The point is to buy something for me to wear tomorrow, not try on their entire fall collection," said Luke, looking around. "God, I can't believe I'm in a mall."  
  
"But this scarf is so pretty," said Lorelai, picking up a brown scarf from the rack nearby and rubbing it against her cheek. "It's so soft, I feel reborn. Touch it."  
  
"I'm not touching it. You don't know how many people have laid their grubby hands on it."  
  
"Come on, put it against your cheek," said Lorelai, holding out the scarf, "Caress it. Let it speak to you. Listen to the scarf."  
  
"I am, and right now it's saying 'let me go you crazy nut'."  
  
"Scarves don't talk like that," said Lorelai, putting it back. "If you don't like it, just say so."  
  
"I don't like it."  
  
"Why would you say something like that?!"  
  
"Look," Luke sighed, "Can we just go and get what we're looking for?"  
  
"Ah, but you're forgetting the real experience behind shopping in a mall," said Lorelai, "It's not what you're looking for, it's what you aren't looking for but is conveniently on sale. Like this beautiful, leather jacket." She held out the jacket in front of him.  
  
"We're not here to get a leather jacket."  
  
"But it's fifty percent off," said Lorelai. "That means, you're only paying for half."  
  
"Thank you, I was not aware of that," said Luke sarcastically, "But in case you don't know, they probably hiked up the prices last month, so when they tell you it's fifty percent off, you're actually paying the same as you would have before the sale... if not more."  
  
"Blasphemy!" said Lorelai. "How dare you foul the sanctity of a sale."  
  
"It's the truth."  
  
"But it's so cheap," said Lorelai, "They're practically paying us to buy it. It's like 'hello, you look cold, here is a jacket, take some cash too'."  
  
"I think you've gotten it confused with the Salvation Army."  
  
"Come on," Lorelai nudged him on the shoulder gently, "Try it on. Try it."  
  
"I'll try it once," said Luke reluctantly, "Then you will quit it with the jacket."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, as she helped him wear the leather jacket. She took a step back and tilted her head, looking at Luke. "Oh, I think we should get it."  
  
"We're not getting it," said Luke, taking the jacket off, "And I've tried it, so enough about the jacket. We're here to get clothing for the auction. Why do you have to make things so complicated?"  
  
"Gee, I don't know, Avril."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Come on, wear it again, and this time turn around." Lorelai took the jacket from him and hung it out in front of her.  
  
"I'm not your Ken doll."  
  
"You could learn a lot from him in terms of subservient behavior," said Lorelai. "Come on. Wear it."  
  
"No."  
  
"Wear it."  
  
"Can we go?"  
  
"Wear it!"  
  
"Stop it, people are staring at us," said Luke, looking around. "And, great, the salesgirl is heading over here."  
  
"Oh, I hate salesgirls, they always ask whether they can help me. Get rid of her."  
  
"I'm not going to …" Luke stopped in mid-sentence when the salesgirl approached them.  
  
Smiling brightly, she greeted them. "Hello. Is there anything I can help the two of you with?"  
  
"Actually, yes," said Lorelai, reaching out to the sales rack nearby and randomly picking out two shirts. "We can't decide on which one looks better. Green or blue? I'm thinking blue, but Stubborn Head wants green."  
  
"What did you call me?" Luke asked.  
  
"Blue or green?" Lorelai practically shoved the two shirts in the salesgirl's face.  
  
"I think, maybe blue," the girl said, after careful examination. She looked at Luke, "Your girlfriend has very good taste. These shirts are actually our newest arrivals."  
  
"She's not my girlfriend."  
  
"I'm not?" Lorelai gasped. "Are you breaking up with me?"  
  
"No," said Luke, "Because you can't br…"  
  
"I can't believe this," Lorelai waved her hands dramatically, pretending to cry, "You're dumping me? Here? Now? Why? Is it because of that slut Lorna Miller?"  
  
"Who is Lorna Miller? What are you doing?" Luke was confused and also slightly embarrassed, since the salesgirl was looking on in amazement.  
  
"You're breaking up with me!"  
  
"I am not breaking up with you, Lorelai, I'm …"  
  
"Maybe I should go," said the salesgirl, uncomfortably inching away from them.  
  
"Maybe you should," said Lorelai, between fake tears. "Go, run along. We need to be alone."  
  
The salesgirl nodded sympathetically and walked off.  
  
"And that is how you get rid of salesgirls," Lorelai rubbed her hands together. "I think she won't be in a hurry to come and talk to us anytime soon. Come on, let's get you some clothes."  
  
"What the hell was that?" Luke asked, following her. "I hope you realized you've just made the both of us look like complete idiots."  
  
"Yes, but we're complete idiots who can do our shopping in peace," said Lorelai. "You're lucky I didn't slap you, I was thinking about doing that for dramatic effect, but I didn't want to draw too much attention."  
  
"Oh, right, because *that* would have caused a scene."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, "So what do you want to get first? Pants? Shirt? Tie? Suit? Shoes? Belt? Oh, the choices are endless. I feel like I'm in Disneyland. I'm all giddy."  
  
"At least one of us is having fun."  
  
"Come on Luke, turn that smile upside down," said Lorelai, "And look at this beautiful pinstripe suit. Nothing says sophistication more than a purple and white striped suit – relive those stylish mobster days with this elegant, classy number. Sixty percent off."  
  
"You're a hundred percent off your rockers," said Luke, "Can we get something normal, please?"  
  
"Or, how about these sexy leather pants," Lorelai pulled a pair out from the rack, "I'm sure you'll be raking up lots of cash for the Statue Fund if you turn out in this. Meow for mommy."  
  
"I am this close to leaving you here and driving home."   
  
"I promise I'll be good," Lorelai pleaded. "Look, there are some really nice pants over there. Let's go look-see."  
  
Lorelai rushed over to the pants section, looking at the various pieces of clothing, ooh-ing and aah-ing all the way, while Luke stayed a considerable distance away from her and the rack.  
  
"Which one do you like better?" said Lorelai, holding out two pairs of pants in front of her. "This one, or this?"  
  
"They look the same to me."  
  
"Layman," scoffed Lorelai. She held out the pair in her right hand. "This has a different cutting from the other one. Can't you tell? Even the pleats are all different."  
  
"I don't know, Lorelai. They look the same."  
  
"Pick one."  
  
"I don't know. You pick."  
  
"I'm not going to be wearing them. You pick the one you like."  
  
"I told you, they look the same."  
  
"Pick one!"  
  
"I don't …"  
  
"PICK!"  
  
"You're going to cause a scene again," said Luke.  
  
"Just pick, Luke. It's not like you're looking for something that requires a considerable amount of thought, like a wife or a donut. The faster you pick the one you like, the faster we get to buy it, and the faster we can get out of here. Isn't that what you want?"  
  
"Okay, fine," said Luke, "The second one."  
  
"This?" Lorelai held it out to confirm.  
  
"Erm, yeah."  
  
"Are you crazy?" Lorelai nearly screeched. "Or are you just blind? How could you pick this?"  
  
"You told me to pick the one I liked, and that's the one," Luke retorted, "What's wrong with it?"  
  
"I was just testing you. And you have failed, I now declare you an unfit shopper," said Lorelai. She put the offensive pair of pants back on the rack and replaced it with another. "Here, take these two and try them on."  
  
"Why do I have to try them on? Just get them."  
  
Lorelai gasped. "You *always* try things on before you buy them. Haven't you ever bought a beautiful, silk dress that you think would look perfect on you, but when you got home and tried it you realize you look like Liza Minelli after a continental buffet breakfast?"  
  
"I can confidently say that I haven't."  
  
"Just go and try them on," said Lorelai, "And let me have a look. The changing room's over there."  
  
Luke gave her a look and reluctantly took the two pairs of pants from her and slung them over his arm. He walked over to the dressing room, followed by Lorelai. He stopped, and turned around. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm going in with you, so I can watch you change and see all your naughty bits." Lorelai paused after she saw Luke's face. "Gee, I'm just joking. Pop a Prozac, will you?"  
  
Luke made a noise that could only be described as an inaudible grunt, and shuffled into the dressing room, slamming the door behind him.   
  
Lorelai decided to entertain herself by browsing through the nearby rack, humming to herself. She was looking through what seemed to be a very interesting pair of snakeskin pants when she heard a familiar voice call out to her. "Lorelai?"  
  
She looked up. "Mom?"  
  
* to be continued*  
  
A/N: Yeah, I love throwing Emily in there. I don't know why. I just have to have Emily there. If there's no Emily in the fic, I feel depressed, then I start taking my Valium, and then everybody starts looking like fuzzy animals with clown faces. Please help me. 


	5. The Mothership Has Landed

FIVE: THE MOTHERSHIP HAS LANDED  
  
Important Public Service Announcement:  
Get a kitty, get free sandpaper for life!  
  
* back to our programme *  
  
"What are you doing here?" Lorelai asked, clutching the snakeskin pants in her hands tightly.  
  
"Your father needs a new tie," Emily said simply, holding out a tie she had chosen. "And this is apparently the only place that has it in the color he wants it. Why he wants to get his ties from a mall is beyond me. I really don't think you should be buying things to wear from a place that also sells burgers under the same roof. What are you doing here? And why are you holding that? Put that down, it looks like some form of animal carcass."  
  
"These are snakeskin pants," said Lorelai, hanging them back on the rack.   
  
"Are you shopping for something?"  
  
"No, I am reinventing the wheel and I think the mall is a good place to test out my invention."  
  
"I'll ignore that," said Emily quickly, "What are you doing in the men's department? Who are you shopping for?"  
  
Lorelai paused, sensing dangerous territory ahead. "Myself?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I like the fashion and have very broad shoulders."  
  
"Lorelai, stop talking nonsense," Emily answered. "Are you here with somebody?"  
  
"No," Lorelai lied, "I'm here all by myself. I just came over to look at some snakeskin pants, that's all. I was bored."  
  
"Oh," said Emily, seemingly believing this. "Well, I'll leave you to your browsing, then. I have to get this tie back to Richard."  
  
Lorelai nearly jumped with glee, utterly pleased that her lie had worked. She was about to say goodbye when the salesgirl from earlier approached her. "Excuse me, miss? Your boyfriend wants you to come to the back and look at his pants. I tried to tell him you were talking to somebody, but he didn't want to leave the dressing room."  
  
"Oooh…" Lorelai wondered if there was some way to kill this salesgirl without anybody finding out she did it.  
  
"I'm sorry, you must be mistaken," Emily said, "My daughter's here alone. She said so. My daughter never lies."  
  
"I don't understand," the salesgirl said. "I'm pretty sure that…"  
  
"You must be wrong," Emily insisted, "Because I just asked her, and she said she wasn't with anybody."  
  
"But he just …"  
  
"Well, clearly one of us here must be lying, then," said Emily, glancing sharply at Lorelai. "And I can honestly say it's not me."  
  
"Ugh, I give up," said Lorelai, "All right, all right, I wasn't completely honest with you. I just didn't tell you because you're going to make a big deal out of it, which you're doing right now, by the way."  
  
"Lorelai, don't be ridiculous," said Emily, "I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. If you want to go shopping with a man without telling me about it, that's fine. I mean, you also nearly got married without telling me, so who really cares about shopping anyways?"  
  
"Oh, if you keep on being so subtle, how will I ever get your point?" Lorelai said, following the salesgirl to the dressing rooms. She stopped and turned around when she realized Emily was right behind her. "What are you doing?"  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm following you."  
  
"No, you're not."  
  
"Well, you are walking, and I am proceeding after you, so I believe that, yes, I am following you."  
  
"Didn't you say you have to get that tie back to dad?"  
  
"He can wait a couple of minutes," said Emily. "So, who is this mystery man? Are you going to marry him? Or are you already married, but forgot to tell me?"  
  
"How long do you intend to keep rubbing that in?"  
  
"I'm not rubbing anything in," Emily said, "I'm just merely bringing it up again."  
  
"Ugh, there's no winning with you," Lorelai said through clenched teeth. "Just don't make a big deal out of this , okay? We're just friends."  
  
"Yes, yes."  
  
Lorelai knocked on the door of the dressing room. "Luke? Come out, let me see your pants."  
  
"Oh, it's Luke," said Emily. "I must say I am not surprised."  
  
The dressing room door creaked open and Luke stepped out, wearing one of the pair of pants Lorelai had recommended earlier. "I look like a stock broker."  
  
"You look fine," Lorelai said, looking at him, "And hey, guess who's here? The woman from whose womb I emerged."  
  
"Hello, Luke," said Emily, who was also sizing him up. "I see my daughter is helping you shop."  
  
"And the mothership has landed," Lorelai replied quickly, before Luke could say anything, "He needs my help, that's why I'm here."  
  
"Oh, I see," said Emily, nodding her head. "So, his truck must be in the garage, and needed you to give him a lift?"  
  
"What? No."  
  
"Ah, so he injured one of his limbs and he needed you to drive him here?"  
  
"No…"  
  
"Oh, so then he must have gone blind and needed you to pick out the clothes for him?"  
  
"Mom…"  
  
"So, then, what? He's planning on buying the whole store and needs your help to carry everything back to the truck? Yes, I can see how he *needed* your help."  
  
"Mom, you're making a big deal out of this again."  
  
"I'm not making a big deal, I was just trying to see how exactly you *needed* to be in a mall shopping for clothing with a man."  
  
"Standing right here," said Luke.  
  
"Argh," Lorelai tried to suppress her scream, "I'm one axe away from being Lizzie Borden, and really, I don't think forty whacks is enough for you."  
  
"Lorelai! Where you learn to say things like that is beyond me," said Emily.   
  
"I'm thinking, sixty, seventy. Maybe eighty is more appropriate."  
  
"Well, as much fun as this is," said Emily, turning to go "Your father really does need his tie soon. I'll leave you two alone to do your *shopping*. Goodbye Luke, it was nice to see you again."   
  
"Can you believe her?" Lorelai said, after making sure that her mother was out of sight. "And thanks a lot, by the way, for just standing there."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"We're a team, you and I, you're supposed to watch my back, and help me fend her off."  
  
"Well, okay, next time, tell me and I'll pin her down while you punch her," Luke said sarcastically. "She didn't mean anything, I'm sure. From what I hear from you about her, she does this all the time, so you shouldn't really be too bothered by it."  
  
"Blah, blah," said Lorelai, "I don't want to talk about her. Let's talk about your spiffy new pants."  
  
"They're not spiffy. I feel so stupid in them."  
  
"They're beautiful pants," said Lorelai, bending down and feeling his pants. "Ooh, what material is it? It's so soft. I love it."  
  
Luke fidgeted uncomfortably – although he wouldn't deny the fact that Lorelai feeling his pants was somewhat pleasing. "Would you stop that?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Stop touching me in public."  
  
"Okay," said Lorelai, standing up straight, "But I'm going to assume that means I can touch you in private, Tiger. You know what would go really good with your pretty pants? A pretty shirt. You'll be the prettiest boy in the auction."  
  
"Exactly the image I was going for."  
  
"Stay right there," said Lorelai, "I think I saw something that would look perfect on you."  
  
She rushed off in the direction of where the shirts were, while Luke waited patiently. About ten minutes later, she returned, carrying what seemed to be several pieces of clothing slung over her arm.  
  
"Are you sure you brought enough?" Luke said, looking at the huge selection Lorelai had in her arms. "Because I think you've only got like half of the store in there."  
  
"Haha, you should write comedy for a living," said Lorelai, shoving the first shirt into his arms. "But before you do that, look at this lovely number. Formal, yet comfortable, sophisticated, yet casual, sleek, but not overdone."  
  
"Can it make me fly as well?"  
  
"Just be quiet and put it on," said Lorelai, handing him another shirt, "This is the same thing, only it's in light blue."  
  
"It looks the same."  
  
"It's not," said Lorelai, "If you squint your eyes and look at both of them under a shadow, you will realize that the first one is of a slightly duller shade."  
  
"Great."  
  
"Here's another one," She handed him a third shirt, "It's green, which I think suits you, because I think you are the rightful heir to the throne of Greenpeace."  
  
"Ha."  
  
"Wait, I'm not done yet," Lorelai gave him two shirts this time. "Here's a snazzy, kinda formal uptight piece that will go really well with your 'I hate everybody' attitude, and this one is a sexy white turtleneck."  
  
"I don't wear turtlenecks."  
  
"I'll have you know that there's nothing women find sexier than a man who covers his neck. I think it is the mystery of the unknown."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes, keep that," Lorelai handed him the last of the shirts. "And this shirt is a little pinkish, but it has these cute little frills at the end of the sleeves. I brought it along just to see if I can persuade you to try it on."  
  
"Well, you can't." He gave the pink shirt back to Lorelai.  
  
"It was worth a try, anyways. Go ahead, try them on." said Lorelai. She pushed him into the dressing room and closed the door. "I'll be waiting out here, to make sure you don't run away."  
  
"Yeah, yeah."  
  
He came out later, wearing the first shirt. "I feel weird in this."  
  
"Oh, but you look so nice," said Lorelai, walking around behind him. "It goes really well with your pants, and you seem to carry it well."  
  
"Okay, can we get it and then go?"  
  
"But you haven't even tried on the rest yet."  
  
  
  
  
"For some insane reason , you seem to have forgotten that the auction is tomorrow," said Luke, "I don't have time to try on every single thing you want me to try on. I have to get back to the diner and make sure Jess hasn't accidentally fed rat poison to my customers."  
  
"Fine," said Lorelai, somewhat disappointed that their shopping trip had to be cut short, "But at least make sure it's a good fit before you buy it. Is it?"  
  
"It's all right, I guess," said Luke, eager to change back into his usual clothes.  
  
"Wait," said Lorelai, as she reached forward and started pulling at his shirt at various places. First at his sleeves, and then working her way down to his waist.  
  
"What the hell are you doing now?"  
  
"I'm making sure it fits your form," said Lorelai, "Sometimes you get clothes which seem to fit you fine when you try them on, but actually they're not the right size. You don't want to spend all this time and money only to realize you've made the wrong purchase, now do you?"  
  
Luke, who was secretly enjoying Lorelai's special form-fit testing, decided not to argue with her. "All right, but hurry up."  
  
"I'm done," said Lorelai, standing back and looking at him again, "A perfect fit, if I do say so myself. Just one thing's wrong with this picture, though."  
  
"What?"  
  
"This," said Lorelai, as she stood on her toes, reached over and snatched the baseball cap from his head. "You can't wear a cap with this outfit."  
  
"Hey!" Luke protested, touching the top of his head and combing his hair with his hands. "I like wearing a cap."  
  
"Yes, and we enjoy you looking like some whacked out white rapper cum woodcutter hybrid," said Lorelai, "But the fact of the matter is, formal wear and caps just don't mix. It's like oil and water, or Madonna and acting."  
  
"I get it, but I feel weird without it," said Luke. "Give it back."  
  
"Not yet," said Lorelai, holding it out of his reach, "I want to see how you look without the cap."  
  
"Well, here I am," said Luke, spreading his arms out, "You've seen me, now give me back the cap. Come on."  
  
"Just a minute," said Lorelai, waving it in front of his face, tauntingly.   
  
Luke lunged forward to get the cap, but Lorelai managed to swing it out of the way in time, which only resulted in him almost knocking into her. He caught his balance in time, but Lorelai had to back step to avoid him. She tripped as she took a step back, and nearly fell backwards, but Luke reached out and caught her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her forward towards him. He managed to steady her, holding her close to him.  
They both just stood there in that position for a couple of seconds, unaware of just what exactly was going. After a while, however, they realized the situation they were in , and pulled away awkwardly.  
  
"Erm… your cap," said Lorelai, giving it to him.  
  
"Thanks," he mumbled, as he smoothened out his hair, and put it back on.  
  
"No problem," said Lorelai, aware of how stupid this was sounding. "So, we should get to paying for these clothes, huh."  
  
"Yeah… I guess," he answered, his words coming out between pauses. "Just … let me go back and change first."  
  
"I'll be… waiting outside," said Lorelai, walking hastily away from him.  
  
"Okay," he answered softly, as he watched her go.  
  
* to be continued *  
  
NOTE: I've just discovered that I am destined to marry Luke. All of you other people get out of my way.  
  
:) 


	6. Anne Heche Wants Her Personality Back

SIX: ANNE HECHE WANTS HER PERSONALITY BACK  
  
"Here you go," said Luke, as he handed her the shirt and pants he had tried on earlier.  
  
"Thank you," Lorelai answered cheerfully, taking it from him and slinging them over her left arm. The both of them seemed to have decided the best way to deal with the awkward situation from before was to pretend it never happened. They walked over to the cashier. "Credit card, please."  
  
Luke took out the card from his wallet and handed it to Lorelai.  
  
"Ah, hello my friend, it has been a while," she spoke to the credit card, before kissing it. The cashier looked on, mildly perturbed at this odd display at affection towards an inanimate object. "Sigh. Remember the days? Every sha-la-la, ever whoa-whoa still shines."  
  
"Stop talking to my credit card. And don't kiss it again." Luke took it snatched the card. The cashier had begun to fold the clothes Lorelai placed on the counter. Luke passes the credit card to the cashier and said: "I don't really know her."  
  
"Will that be all?" The cashier looked up.  
  
"Well, I would like a Big Mac with fries," Lorelai said.  
  
The cashier stared blankly at her and didn't respond.  
  
"Okay, somebody seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the cash register today."  
  
"That will be all," said Luke, cutting in before Lorelai could say anything else. "Thank you."  
  
*  
  
"I still think we should have bought the leather jacket and the leather pants," said Lorelai, as Luke was driving them back to Stars Hollow.  
  
"Thank you, but I prefer wearing something that wasn't actually once part of a cow."  
  
"Oh, please," said Lorelai, "It's not like it's a puppy coat. It's leather. It's perfectly normal. I think the cow would have been happy to die if it knew its skin was going to be converted into a stylish piece of fashion. I would kill one myself if I knew how to harvest its skin into leather."  
  
"Remind me to let the people at PETA give you a call some day."  
  
"Sure. As long as it's not Alicia Silverstone. I swear, she is this close to actually marrying a lettuce." she answered. "You should have at least bought the turtleneck too. It would go perfect with that nice, khaki colored pants you keep hidden at the back of your closet."  
  
"What the hell are you doing looking through my closet?" Luke asked.  
  
"Remember that day, when you couldn't find that important document and you asked me to help you look? Well, I wasn't actually helping, I was going through your closet and looking at all your pretty clothes under the pretense of helping you look. And while we're on that topic, I must say, I also never figured you to be a lemon yellow shirt wearing kind of guy."  
  
"One of my aunts gave that to me for a Christmas present."  
  
"Would this be the same aunt that also gave you that Star Trek shirt?"  
  
"As a matter of fact no," Luke said calmly.  
  
"You seem to have many aunts who hate you."  
  
"Next time, just stay out of my closet."  
  
"Ooh, so authoritative, so scary," said Lorelai, waving her hands about dramatically. "I'm shivering in my boots."  
  
"Also made from cow."  
  
"Well, I would wear another pair, but I think Rory ate my potato boots this morning."  
  
"You're unbelievable, you know."  
  
"It's incredible how someone so unbelievable thinks that I am unbelievable too," said Lorelai.  
  
"Unforgettable."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The word is unforgettable."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's unforgettable, not unbelievable. If you're going to try to be witty, at least use the right words."  
  
"Funny, ha , ha, I'm almost out of breath from all that not laughing," said Lorelai, as Luke pulled up on their driveway. She paused, and looked out the window, pointing at the garden. "What is Rory doing out there?"  
  
Luke pulled his truck into park and looked to where Lorelai was pointing. "I don't know."  
  
"That girl gets stranger and stranger each day," said Lorelai, getting out of the truck and walking towards Rory, followed closely by Luke.  
  
Rory was kneeling in the garden, her jeans stained with mud. She was sifting through the grass, and staring intently at the ground. She seemed so focused in her task that she did not realize Lorelai and Luke come up to her.  
  
"Sweetie, what are you doing?" Lorelai asked, poking her daughter gently with her foot. "Are you praying? Because unless there's something I don't know about, I really think you're facing the wrong direction."  
  
"What?" Rory looked up. Seeing Luke and Lorelai standing there, she got up and brushed the mud from her jeans hastily. "What are you guys doing back so early? I wasn't expecting you for another four, five hours."  
  
"Yeah, but Franciso Scowlamanga here decided to cut our trip short," said Lorelai, sadly. "Apparently to him, one hour shopping is more than enough."  
  
"Sacrilegious," Rory said. "Did you guys get anything good?"  
  
"Tons of stuff," said Lorelai. She turned to Luke. "Luke, go get what we bought, and model it in front of Rory."  
  
"What? No." Luke said.  
  
"Ooh, and let her feel your pants," Lorelai turned to Rory. "You have to touch his pants later. It's like heaven at your fingertips."  
  
"There are like a thousand things wrong with that sentence," said Rory. "And I'd rather not."  
  
"I'd rather you not either," said Luke. "I've had enough of that today."  
  
"Thanks for the offer anyhow," said Rory, raising an eyebrow at her mother, curiously.  
  
"Enough about us," said Lorelai, quickly. "Tell me, why are you going through our garden like a Fresno Anne Heche wannabe?"  
  
"You know that necklace Dean gave me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"The one you wanted to borrow but I wouldn't let you?"  
  
"Oh, that one," said Lorelai, "What about it?"  
  
"I seem to have dropped it somewhere," said Rory. "I knew I had it when I was walking back home just now, but when I stepped inside I realized it was gone. So it has to be out here in the garden somewhere."  
  
"Is it me, or are you constantly losing all the things Dean gave you?"  
  
"I don't know," said Rory, sinking to the ground and starting to search again. "It has to be here somewhere. Necklaces don't just vanish into thin air."  
  
"Poor thing," said Lorelai. "Do you want me to help?"  
  
"Yes, that would be great, thanks," Rory answered, turning over a leaf and searching underneath it.  
  
Lorelai nodded, but continued just standing there, looking at Rory.  
  
After several seconds, Rory realized that her mother was not doing anything, and she looked up at her again. "Well?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Aren't you going to help me?"  
  
"Oh, no, sweetie, I don't want to get my clothes dirty," said Lorelai. "I was just being polite earlier."  
  
"Do you want me to help?" Luke volunteered, crouching down. "And when I say help, I actually mean it."  
  
"Hmm, what an interesting concept," said Lorelai.  
  
"No, it's all right," said Rory, "You go back to the diner. I'll find it somehow."  
  
"Are you sure?" Luke asked, standing back up again.  
  
"Sure," said Rory. "I'll see you tomorrow at the auction. Have fun."  
  
Luke nodded, and headed back to his truck.  
  
"Hmm," said Lorelai.  
  
Rory said nothing but continued sifting through the grass.  
  
"Hmm," Lorelai repeated.  
  
Rory sighed and stopped. "Something on your mind?"  
  
"Oh, nothing," said Lorelai. "I just found it interesting how you willingly jumped to accept my help when I asked, but when Luke did the same, you let him off the hook. I say some form of biasness is at hand."  
  
"I didn't want to bother him."  
  
"Yes, but asking your own mother to crawl through mud is perfectly acceptable."  
  
"In what dimension did I ask you to do that?" Rory said.  
  
"Ugh, whatever," said Lorelai. "Do you want me to help you? I'm serious this time. I think."  
  
"No, it's fine," said Rory. "I'll find it somewhere. It can't be far off."  
  
"Thank God," said Lorelai, taking off. "Because I feel tired just looking at you. I'm going to take a shower. Enjoy yourself."  
  
*  
  
"Found it!" Rory yelled as she ran into the house. She couldn't find her mother in the living room, so she headed to the kitchen, where she found Lorelai drinking a cup of coffee and flipping through a random magazine.  
  
"Good for you," Lorelai put her magazine down.  
  
"Yeah, but not only that," Rory dug her hands into her pockets, taking out an assortment of items and placing them on the table in front of Lorelai. "I also found that earring you lost last Christmas, the spare key to the back door, a battery, and a lightbulb."  
  
"Ah, my earring," said Lorelai, picking it up and looking at it in the light. "Now, I will finally have a complete pair, if only I didn't lose the other one last month."  
  
"I also happened to find your copy of 'A Suitable Boy'," Rory put down the heavy book that she had been carrying at the time as well.   
  
"Oh, I was looking for that," said Lorelai, looking warily at the dirty, and worn out book.  
"I found it under the porch."  
  
"Well, I can't imagine what it could be doing there."  
  
"You told me you didn't finish reading it because you misplaced it and you couldn't find it."  
  
"And I was telling the truth," said Lorelai, "I misplaced it under the porch."  
  
"Do you know how much this book costs?" Rory waved the book in front of Lorelai.  
  
"There are many pages, and the words are very small."  
  
"You don't hide books you don't like."  
  
"I had difficulty even reading the author's name."  
  
"You could have donated it to a library."  
  
"Is it pronounced Vee-kram? Or Vy-kram?"  
  
"Or to me."  
  
"Vee-kram? Vy-kram? Veek-ram?"  
  
"If you didn't like it," said Rory, "You should have just told me."  
  
" 'A Suitable Boy' – hah. They should have made it a 'suitable length'. Ha, ha."  
  
"I'm reclaiming this book," said Rory, picking it up, "I'm going to clean it, and put it on my shelf, where it will be appreciated. So tell me, how was shopping with Luke? Did he attack anybody? Did that little vein on his forehead start throbbing?"  
  
"No, but mine was when my MOTHER showed up."  
  
"Oh! Grandma was there? What was Grandma doing in a mall?"  
  
"Apparently trying out a few things she read in an article about assisted suicide," said Lorelai. "Get this – she sees Luke, and she totally blows everything out of proportion. She has colonized Molehill Land and renamed it Mountainville."  
  
"I can imagine," Rory sat down, eager to hear the rest of the story. "What did she say?"  
  
"I'm not sure, exactly. I'm pretty sure she spoke English, but when she opened her mouth all I heard was this demonic voice chanting in Latin."  
  
"That bad, huh?"  
  
"Yes, I think she's expecting an invitation to the wedding sometime soon."  
  
"I'm the Maid of Honor, right?"  
"Only if Katie Couric can't make it," said Lorelai. "I don't know what is her problem. What, I can't shop with a man without first sleeping with him?"  
  
"Well…" Rory paused after stating that one word.  
  
"Well?!" Lorelai echoed, nearly screeching. "Are you 'well'ing me? You? My own daughter? My own flesh and blood? My daughter?"  
  
"Well," Rory repeated, "You don't exactly seem to be helping yourself."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"You said touching him was like heaven at your fingertips."  
  
"It was an expression," insisted Lorelai. "A figure of speech. When I say I could eat a horse, you don't exactly bring me a horse, do you? Gee, I'm beginning to see why you scored so low for your verbal PSATs."  
  
"Heaven at your fingertips," Rory repeated.  
  
"That was totally taken out of context."  
  
"And you are going to bid on him at the auction."  
  
"That doesn't mean anything," said Lorelai. "It's just so that he won't end up with anybody weird that he doesn't like."  
  
"Meaning anybody but you."  
  
"Hey…"  
  
"Heaven."  
  
"Stop it."  
  
"Absolutely heaven."  
  
"You know I didn't mean it that way," said Lorelai, "And if you say one more word about it, I'll ground you and give you nothing to listen to except albums by 98 Degrees and pretty teen boy Aaron Carter."  
  
"Shutting up now," said Rory. She stopped, and looked at the book she was holding. "You know what, maybe I suddenly feel like reading this again."  
  
"Go ahead," said Lorelai. "If you do, between the two of us, we would have read it twice. Wow, that would be a really impressive thing to tell at a party."  
  
"Or," Rory added, "You can tell people about how you can recite the words to 'I'm Your Venus' back to front."  
  
"Or 'Venus Your I'm', as I like to call it. Ha ha!" Lorelai laughed at her own joke.  
  
"I never knew something could be so impressive, and yet so sad at the same time."  
  
"You have much to learn, little one," said Lorelai.  
  
*  
  
NOTE: Okay, so it's an abrupt ending to the chapter, but I couldn't think of any way to end it. The bachelor auction will be the next chapter (I think!), so those of you who couldn't wait for it will be thrilled!  
I've been a little lonely lately, so if anybody feels like e-mailing me and telling me what a sad obsessive JavaJunkie I am, you can do so at sweet_serene99@hotmail.com . My inbox has been so empty lately it's sad. Also, don't forget to review. I like reviews. They are like whiskers on kittens.  
  
NOTE2: "Things I Learnt from Jackie Chan" will be updated soon, too. I'm having the block of the writer, which means  
my brain really isn't generating thoughts. This is quite usual, and I'm not talking just about writing. 


	7. I'll Take Things That Don't Belong In An...

FINALLY, a new chapter! Didn't think it'd take this long, did you?  
I blame it on J. Edgar Hoover. Don't ask me why. I just do.  
  
---  
SEVEN: I'll Take "Things That Don't Belong In An Auction" For $500  
  
"Hurry up, Rory!" said Lorelai, flinging the door open and waiting out on the porch. "If we get any later we're going to miss the auction."  
  
"I'm coming," Rory called down, running down the stairs while putting her coat on. "Why don't you go ahead first?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I have to go to Lane's first, we're going to the auction together… remember?" Rory was gently pushed out of the door by an impatient Lorelai. "Hey! Doors were not meant to be pushed through."  
  
"Yes, I'm sure we'll have a lengthy discussion with the inventor of the door about that *after* the auction, but right now, I would actually like to be at the auction. Physically. Because, spiritually, I'm already there."  
  
"You are?"  
  
"My spirit got into the jeep and drove off while you were spending six hours in the bathroom."  
  
"I had bed hair."  
  
"At six in the evening?"  
  
"It was being rebellious," Rory sighed. "Look, you head on to the town square first. I'll go to Lane's, see if we can find some master plan to get her to the auction without her mom knowing, and then we'll rendezvous there before it starts, okay?"  
  
"Okay," said Lorelai, "But I'm going to the diner first to see if Luke is wearing his shiny new auction clothes."  
*  
  
"Lucas!" Lorelai screeched as she walked through the diner. Fortunately, there was nobody around. This was partly due to the fact that the diner was closed, and that if Lorelai cared about what the sign on the door said, she would not have been there either. "Where are you?"  
  
"What are you doing here?" Luke asked, coming out from the back. He was still dressed in his flannel and jeans, his baseball cap typically put on backwards as usual.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
"What is what?"  
  
"What are you wearing?"  
  
"Flannel," Luke said, looking down, "And I think this uncommon piece of clothing is what they call … a pair of jeans."  
  
"Funny," said Lorelai. "Why aren't you wearing your brand-spanking new clothes? The auction starts in less than ten minutes."  
  
"Yeah, I know," said Luke, "I don't think I really want to go through with it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't want to go through with it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Are you deaf?"  
  
"Are you insane?"  
  
"Are you deaf?"  
  
"Are you insane?" Lorelai echoed. "You can't not go through with it. And you can't cancel. We've had this conversation before."  
  
"It's stupid," Luke said, "You go out there, parading around while all those sex-crazed old, divorced, retired women haggle over you like a piece of meat, and then you're handed over to them like a cow to slaughter, and all you're doing it for is a stupid statue that lost its stupid head."  
  
"It's not stupid, it symbolic of small town integration."  
  
"It's stupid."  
  
"Go back up," Lorelai pushed him up the stairs, "And put on your new clothes."  
  
"I don't want to do it."  
  
"It's just stage fright," Lorelai was practically dragging him back to his apartment. "Once you're up there, it will be fine. Come on, I brought this big stack of dollar bills to slip in your G-string, too."  
  
"That's not helping."  
  
"Change."  
  
"I don't want to."  
  
"That would be relevant if you had a choice," said Lorelai, flinging open his closet and picking out the clothes they bought the other day. "Put them on now, or I'll dress you myself."  
  
"Fine," said Luke, snatching the clothes from her hand, and going into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him. "I'm not happy about this."  
  
"That would also be relevant if your feelings were an issue," Lorelai said, through the door, "Just feel proud that you're involving yourself in this great moment in Stars Hollow history."  
  
"I wish the bathroom door were thicker."  
  
"Think – you were a part of Stars Hollow's first annual bachelor auction," Lorelai continued, "You'll be in history books. Everywhere you go, people will point and say, 'oh, look, there goes a pioneer'. "  
  
"Exactly what I want."  
  
"And, then, I can say 'Yes, but who pioneered that pioneer? Me.'"  
  
"That makes no sense."  
  
"I know, I'm running out of things to say. Can you hurry up?" Lorelai rattled on the door. "You would think it wouldn't take so long to get in and out of clothes. There's a joke somewhere in there, but I just can't think of it right now."  
  
"I hate these clothes," said Luke, "There are all these buttons and God knows what else."  
  
"You're wearing formal wear, not a rocket. It shouldn't be that hard to figure out," Lorelai said. "Do you want me to help you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then hurry up," said Lorelai. "I feel my life is passing me by out here – I'll probably inspire a new Sarah Mclachlan song. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up."  
  
"I'm out," Luke flung open the bathroom door and stepped outside. "Are you happy now?"  
  
"Baseball cap," said Lorelai. "Off."  
  
"Right," Luke removed his baseball cap and put it on the counter. "Can we just get this over with?"  
  
"Don't you want to comb your hair?"  
  
"What's wrong with my hair?"  
  
"I don't know, but if Don King were here, he would think he was looking into a mirror."  
  
"What?" Luke leaned back in the bathroom and looked at his reflection. He ran his fingers through his hair. "It's not that bad."  
  
"For a homeless person, maybe."  
  
"Look, can we just go?" Luke said. "I like my hair the way it is. Let's go down."  
  
"Dirty."  
  
"Down-STAIRS."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai as she headed to the door. "Hey, you do know that Taylor wants to see you before the auction actually starts right?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yes, for something I believe he called 'Orientation Briefing'. He had a cute little green folder and everything. I helped him label his post-it's. If you look under the yellow tab of Section 2(2)(b), you'll find I drew a little smiley there."  
  
"That's not funny," said Luke.  
  
"Speaking of funny," Lorelai said, "I'd watch out for Miss Patty if I were you. I saw her carrying two big suitcases earlier; rumor has it , they are filled with money. She's been saving for this for ages."  
  
"Not funny. Again. And while we're on this ridiculous topic, I thought we'd go through our arrangement again."  
  
"Again? Gosh, you're paranoid."  
  
"You bid on me."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You make sure nobody old, disgusting, or Miss Patty-esque gets their hands on me."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"If anyone like that starts bidding, you bid back."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I don't care how high it goes to, you don't give up," Luke said.  
  
"All right. Oooh, question."   
  
"What?"  
  
"What if it's somebody who's not old, disgusting, or Miss Patty-esque? What if it's some hot young chick who wants a piece of your diner meat?"  
  
"Okay, first off, please don't ever use phrases like that again," Luke said, "And secondly, if it comes to that – use your discretion. If it's someone whom you think I could possibly want to smack after spending two minutes alone with her, then the same rules apply. If not, then you don't have to continue bidding."  
  
"All right, use discretion, check. Now, hurry to the town square. Taylor's gonna blow a fuse if you're late," said Lorelai. "I'll see you at the auction. Break a leg."  
  
  
*   
  
"…going twice, SOLD, to Miss Patty for eight dollars!" Taylor said, bringing down the gavel. The young man on the stage looked nervously at Miss Patty, and then stared at the audience, his eyes terrified and pleading.  
  
"I'm here, I'm here," said Rory, pushing through the crowd with Lane right behind her. "Did I miss anything?"  
  
"Did you miss anything?" Lorelai responded, "The auction's nearly over. What happened to rendezvousing before the auction?"  
  
"We were on our way out," Rory explained, "When Lane's mom caught us and told us to join in on her Sunday evening Bible class. We tried to get out of it, but she said it was for our own good."  
  
"Was it?"  
  
"Well, for what it's worth, we now know more about Moses than humanly possible."  
  
"Oh, good. I've always wanted to know how he turned water into wine," said Lorelai.  
  
"That was Jesus."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So, what did we miss?" Rory asked, looking at the crowd, and then at the stage in front.  
  
"Well, a lot, actually," Lorelai began, "Kirk's mom bid on Kirk, and won. Uncontested, of course. I thought it was sweet, if it didn't remind me so much of 'Psycho'. Miss Patty bid on, and won, Derek Scott, Michael Hendrick, and Jacob Wilkinson."  
  
"She's older than all three of them combined!"  
  
"I know. You should have seen the look in their eyes. They were like lambs taken out to slaughter."  
  
"Has Luke gone on yet?"  
  
"Oh, not yet," said Lorelai, "Apparently , they are saving the best for the last. Or, as Taylor calls it, participants are auctioned in the order at which they applied; so Luke's last."  
  
"And now, last, but certainly not least, we present one of Star's Hollow's most eligible bachelors," said Taylor, speaking into the microphone. "Some of you may recognize him from the diner he runs out of his father's old hardware store, and the rest of you would have probably seen him scowling at all the town meetings. Ladies and gentlemen, our last bachelor for the evening, Mr. Luke Danes!"  
  
The crowd gave a loud applause, as Luke reluctantly stepped out on the stage. He glared at Taylor, and then looked back at the crowd.  
  
"Woooo!" screamed Lorelai, "Shake your money maker!"  
  
Taylor rapped his hammer on the podium quickly. "Lorelai, I don't think we need to remind you that this is a bachelor auction, not Ladies' Night at Chippendale's. Now, we'll open the bidding at fifty dollars. Fifty dollars, do I have fifty?"  
  
"FIFTY!" came a voice from the back of the crowd. Luke felt a short wave of panic as he realized it came from Miss Patty; not Lorelai.  
  
"We have fifty," said Taylor, "Do I hear sixty?"  
  
"Wait!" Lorelai piped up. "Miss Patty already has three bachelors. Isn't there some rule which says you can't have more than three?"  
  
"If there is, it's a stupid rule," said Miss Patty.  
  
Taylor paused, and looked at Miss Patty, and then at Lorelai, and then back at Luke. "Miss Patty, maybe you should give this one a pass."  
  
"But he looks so nice," she replied, "All dressed up like that. I've waited so long to see him out of flannel… or out of anything."  
  
"Ew," said Lorelai. "Taylor, make her stop."  
  
"Yes, please," Luke pleaded.  
  
"All right," Taylor rapped his hammer again, "Miss Patty, you're not allowed to bid this round. You've helped raise enough money for the statue fund tonight. Let's let the other ladies have a chance, how about it? Okay, Luke Danes, going for fifty, going for fifty, do I hear fifty?"  
  
"Heh, I got Miss Patty out of the running, I probably saved myself a whole lot of money," said Lorelai, turning to Rory. She looked back at Taylor: "Fifty."  
  
"Unsurprisingly, Lorelai has placed a bid at fifty," Taylor announced.  
  
"Hey! What is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Do I hear a sixty? Is there a sixty? Going once, going twice..."  
  
"One hundred dollars."  
  
The crowd grew silent, as they turned to see who had placed the sudden bid. Lorelai whipped her head back, the voice definitely came from behind her.  
  
The woman who made the bid looked slightly confused as everybody stared at her. She was an attractive woman in her mid-thirties, with long, blonde hair and a stunning figure. "What?"  
  
To be continued  
-sorry it took so long. I had writer's block. I have another L/L story in the works, I wonder how that will turn out. As usual, reviews will be appreciated : ) Thanks. 


	8. Eye Of The Tiger

EIGHT : EYE OF THE TIGER  
  
"Who is that woman?" Lorelai whispered to Rory.  
  
Rory gave the woman a hard, long look before turning back to her mother. "I know … isn't she Lena Anderson?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Lena Anderson," Rory repeated, "Old Mrs. Anderson's daughter."  
  
"Who is Old Mrs. Anderson?"  
  
"The woman who runs that Christian memorabilia shop a few blocks away from Luke's. Don't you remember her? Every Friday she'd stand out on the street and point out the people that were going to hell."  
  
"Oh yes, I was one of them. I told her I'd see her there, and then things were never again the same between the two of us. Now I remember," Lorelai said. "I thought Lena Anderson moved to New York a long time ago."  
  
"I heard she moved back here a couple of weeks ago," Rory added, "But I never saw her around town so I thought it was just a rumor."  
  
"So what is she doing here? Bidding on Luke?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"One hundred dollars, for Luke Danes, one hundred dollars. Do I hear one hundred and ten? Going once, going…" Taylor raised his gavel.  
  
Lorelai looked at Lena one more time, and then looked back at Luke, who, to her surprise (and slight annoyance) was not looking at Lorelai, but was looking at Lena – and he looked pleased. Lorelai bit her lower lip and waved her hand in the air. "One hundred and ten!"  
  
"Lorelai bids one hundred and ten. One hundred and ten … do I hear one hundred and twenty?"  
  
"Mom, what are you doing?" Rory tugged on her mother's arm. "I don't think Luke minds if you don't bid on him now." She motioned towards Luke, who seemed confused as to why Lorelai started bidding on him again.  
  
"No, you don't understand," said Lorelai, "Luke told me to use my discretion, and I am using my discretion. And in using my discretion, I've decided that she is someone that Luke could not possibly want to be alone with."  
  
"What?"  
  
"One hundred and twenty," Lena announced loudly.  
  
"Clearly, she is not the type of woman for Luke," said Lorelai, almost defensively. She raised her voice. "One hundred and thirty."  
  
"How do you know that?" Rory asked.  
  
"Well, first off, she's from New York, and everybody knows that Luke hates anything that comes from a big city. Last week, he gave me a seventeen minute rant on the stool I bought from Pottery Barn."  
  
"But she's originally from Stars Hollow."  
  
"One hundred and forty," Lena said.  
  
"One hundred and fifty!" Lorelai almost yelled. She turned back to Rory. "That's not the point. And also, I don't think she comes from a very good background."  
  
"Her mother owns a store called Heavenly Blessings."  
  
"Oh, please," Lorelai said, "Everybody knows that that's just a front for her underground crack smuggling and prostitution ring. Makes you think twice about the name of her establishment, doesn't it?"  
  
"One hundred and sixty," Lena bid again.  
  
"Doesn't she ever give up?" Lorelai said. "One hundred and seventy!"  
  
All the while, Luke was watching this exchange with fascination and interest. He thought he had given Lorelai the signal that it was okay for her to stop bidding, but she seemed hell-bent on ignoring it and proceeding as usual.  
  
"One hundred and eighty."  
  
"One hundred and ninety."  
  
"Two hundred dollars." The crowd gasped as Lena announced this figure. The bidding was certainly going higher than anyone had expected.  
  
"Two hundred and ten," Lorelai was determined not to give up.  
  
Rory kept tugging on her mother's arm. "Mom, what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm keeping to my end of the bargain," said Lorelai, "I promised Luke I would bid on him, and keep him away from any undesirable women, and I am doing just that. He wants me to do this. He asked me to do this."  
  
"No, he didn't," said Rory, "And if you keep increasing your bid, pretty soon we're going to be living in box… which wouldn't even be ours that we'd have to rent from one of those crazy bag ladies."  
  
"No, I can't," said Lorelai. "Look at her, with her perfect hair and her perfect body and her perfect make-up and her perfect dress. Can't you tell she's trouble?"  
  
"Two hundred and twenty."  
  
"Mom, I hate to say this, but you're borderline psychotic. "  
  
"I am not," said Lorelai. "Three hundred dollars!"  
  
"And we have crossed the border," sighed Rory.  
  
The crowd gasped again. Lena, not to be outdone, raised her hand. "Three hundred and ten dollars."  
  
"Three hundred and fifty dollars," Lorelai announced firmly.  
  
"Three hundred and fifty dollars?" Taylor echoed. "Oh my God."  
  
Lorelai looked at Lena, who seemed to have given up. She waved her hand at Taylor, indicating that she was not going to bid anymore.  
  
"All right, going once, going twice – Luke Danes, sold to Lorelai Gilmore for an amazing sum of three hundred and fifty dollars." Taylor slammed his gavel down. "And that concludes tonight's Bachelor Auction. I would like to thank everybody for participating, especially Lorelai…"  
  
*  
  
"Haha, you're mine now," said Lorelai, as she grabbed Luke's arm and pulled him away from the town square.  
  
"What the hell was that all about?" Luke asked.  
  
"What was what about?" Lorelai acted innocent.   
  
Before Luke could clarify, Rory came up to them. "Excuse me, Luke, do you mind if I speak to my mother for one second?"  
  
"She's all yours."  
  
Rory dragged Lorelai aside. "What did you just do?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You just spent three hundred and fifty dollars. On Luke. Three hundred and fifty dollars."  
  
"It was a duty."  
  
"Again, I don't see the logic. I didn't even know you brought along that much money with you."  
  
"I didn't," said Lorelai, "I wrote Taylor a check."  
  
"That's not the point," said Rory. "Where are we going to get three hundred and fifty dollars? That termite thing we did last year already put us in the red, and now you want to add to that?"  
  
"Rory, you're not looking at the big picture. I'll have you know, that I have single handedly raised enough money to buy three statue heads. And three hundred and fifty dollars isn't such a big deal," said Lorelai. "We'll just have to cut down on a few unimportant things for a while… like electricity, water, and food."  
  
"There must be some sort of medication I can give you."  
  
"Rory, don't worry about it," said Lorelai, "Mommy will handle everything. Worse case scenario, I'll strap you in a baby-T, throw some water on you, and see if Coyote Ugly is looking for night waitresses."  
  
"You're delusional."  
  
"You should go home," said Lorelai, "Take Lane along. Order some pizza or something."  
  
"I would, if you didn't just deplete our entire bank account in twenty minutes."  
  
"Then order something from Al's Pancake World. He'll give you credit. If he won't, try and see if you can pawn off the bookends that are shaped like elephants we keep in the backroom."  
  
"Fine," said Rory, turning to go, "I'll see you at home."  
  
Lorelai walked back to Luke, who was waiting patiently. "Sorry about that. Girl talk. Rory wanted to know if she was a summer or a fall color kind of girl."  
  
"I didn't ask."  
  
"Yeah, but I'd just tell you anyways," said Lorelai, "So what are we going to do now?"  
  
"Look, Lorelai, about just now," Luke said, "You really didn't have to bid so high. It would have been fine if you stopped halfway, really."  
  
"Are you kidding? Everybody knows Lena Anderson is bad news."  
  
"That was Lena Anderson?"  
  
"Yes. Rumor has it, she's had so much work done, she doesn't even recognize herself anymore. I heard she walked past a mirror once, and said 'who's that?'. She is bad, bad news."  
  
"Didn't her mother run that Christian shop down…"  
  
"Crack smuggler."  
  
"I see," Luke deadpanned. "Look, at least let me pay you back the three hundred and fifty dollars."  
  
"What? No," said Lorelai. "I paid three hundred and fifty dollars for you, and it's good money, so if you want to repay me, get up on that table and shake your booty."  
  
"That's not funny."  
  
"Come on, do a sexy striptease. I'll sing 'Eye of the Tiger' so you can dance to it" said Lorelai, beginning to sing. "Risin' up, back on the street, did my time, took my chances…"  
  
"Stop that. If you won't let me pay you the money," Luke said, "Then at least let me buy you dinner. We can go to one of those fancy places you like, and you know that you know I hate."  
  
"The ones with the unpronounceable menus?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"The ones which you say are just really like any restaurant, and the only reason they charge you so much is because they want you to think they are better than anybody else? The ones which you say overprice their food and undercook their meat on purpose?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good, because their shrimp paste is to die for. Can we pretend to be Russian tourists who don't speak a single word of English?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Can we dress up like Joseph and the Virgin Mary and ask for room and board?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I did that with Christopher once. The worth on the waiter's face was worth getting thrown out."  
  
"Well, you're not trying that with me," said Luke. "Come on, let's go."  
  
*  
  
- to be continued.  
- next: the drama unfolds, as Lorelai discovers Luke has an evil twin brother  
who just happened to be a surgeon who performed the plastic surgery on  
Lena Anderson (who is actually... get this.... Lorelai's long lost sister!) 


	9. Water Is The Fruit of Gods

NINE : WATER IS THE FRUIT OF GODS  
  
NOTE: Some people seemed to think that the post-script in the last chapter was for real. Erm, it's not. There is no evil Luke or Lorelai's long lost sisterI have more credibility than that, haha, okay, wait no, I don't, but I'm not going to put that in this chapter so don't worry. Hehe.  
  
"Ah, table for two, right this way," the waiter ushered Lorelai and Luke to a table in a cozy corner of the restaurant. He waited for them to sit down, before lighting the candle in the middle of the table. "If you will excuse me, I will be back with your menus in a couple of seconds."  
  
"Oh, candle light dinner," said Lorelai.  
  
"You know, I never got this whole 'candle light dinner' thing …" Luke started.  
  
"Uh-oh," said Lorelai. "The Rant Express is heading into town."  
  
"I mean, come on," said Luke, "Why is it so romantic? It's dangerous, you could se the place on fire, and it doesn't even provide proper lighting. I can hardly see what my own hands, what more who is sitting opposite me. How am I going to read the menu? Who on earth would possibly consider this to be romantic? My eyes will practically be dead with all the squinting I'll have to do."  
  
"You're a regular Cupid, aren't you?"  
  
The waiter arrived with their menus and handed it to them. "Are we celebrating a special occasion tonight?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, actually," said Lorelai quickly, putting her hand on Luke's. "We just got engaged."  
  
"What …" Luke started.  
  
"… a joy it is, to be engaged," Lorelai continued quickly. "I feel like I'm made of gold."  
  
"Congratulations," said the waiter. "I'll give you two a little time to look through the menu, and I'll come back and take your order when you are ready."  
  
When he was gone, Luke quickly pulled his hand from under Lorelai's. "What the hell was that?"  
  
"Oh, hush," said Lorelai. "If they find out you're engaged, they give you a ten percent discount, and they throw in a free piece of cake. It's this special thing that they do."  
  
"You'll do anything for a free piece of cake, won't you."  
  
"What can I say," said Lorelai, "I'm a cake whore. I would have danced on the table if they were throwing in a free muffin, too."  
  
"Have you no shame?"  
  
"Nope. But if you have any left over, I'll share it with you."  
  
"Are you like this all the time, or only to me?"  
  
"Well," said Lorelai, "You are very special."  
  
"I'm thrilled," Luke responded. "Makes me a bit worried about how you treat people who aren't special."  
  
"If you're planning to be this mean to me," said Lorelai, "I'm leaving."  
  
"I'm paying."  
  
"But then again, I've always been taught to be tolerant of others," said Lorelai, picking up the menu. "So, what are you having?"  
  
*  
  
"And then," said Lorelai, giggling, as they were leaving the restaurant. "And then, hehe… this is funny. I open the door, and standing there, is … hehe nobody."  
  
"Okay," said Luke, "I really think we shouldn't have ordered wine.""  
  
"Oh, please," said Lorelai, pushing him gently. "No coffee, no wine, what are you, Ruler of Stick-In-The-Mud-Land? Hehe… stick-in-the-mud-land. That's funny. Where do I come up with all this stuff?"  
  
"You're drunk."  
  
"I'm tipsy," said Lorelai, "There's a difference…because I'm still coherent. And I can walk in a straight line. And I wouldn't be like this, if you took more than half a sip of the wine. I had to finish the whole bottle."  
  
"I'm driving, remember?" said Luke. "And I'm not a wine drinker."  
  
"Why not? Wine is a fruit."  
  
"It is not."  
  
"It comes from a fruit. It's grape juice."  
  
"It is not."  
  
"You say fruits are healthy. Wine, which, I must say, comes from a fruit, must there be healthy."  
  
"It's amazing how well you can reason after drinking so much wine," said Luke sarcastically.  
  
"Maybe they should make a wine salad. They have fruit salad, but no wine salad. Why is that? Wine is a fruit."  
  
"For the hundredth time, Lorelai, wine is not a fruit," Luke sighed. He stopped, and walked towards a street vendor across the road.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
Luke bought a bottle of mineral water from the vendor, and handed it to her. "Drink this."  
  
"Hmm. Water."  
  
"Drink it," said Luke. "It'll help with the terrible hangover you're going to have tomorrow morning."  
  
"Is water a fruit?"  
  
Luke sighed again. "Yes, Lorelai. Water is a fruit. Come on, let's go home. I think we've had too much fun for one night."  
  
Lorelai popped open the bottle and drank some of the water. "Water is a tasteless fruit."  
  
"You don't say," said Luke as he opened the passenger door of his truck. He helped Lorelai in, before climbing into the driver's seat. "Put on your seat belt."  
  
"Nag, nag, nag," said Lorelai before snapping on her seatbelt, watching Luke do the same. "Drink your water, put on your seat belt. Nag, nag, nag."  
  
"Boy, I like you so much better when you're sober." Luke started the engine.  
  
"For the last time, I'm not drunk," said Lorelai. "I'm just seeing a couple of white spots all over the place, and I'm having trouble forming rational thoughts, that's all."  
  
"So other than the white spots you're completely normal."  
  
"Tell that to me again tomorrow morning, and remind me to laugh then okay." Lorelai took another sip of her water. "This wine tastes like water."  
  
"It is water."  
  
"Oh, my world is all askew," said Lorelai, bringing the bottle close to her lips, right as Luke went over a speed bump. Her hand slipped slightly and ended up pouring some of the water on her blouse. "Ah crap!"  
  
"What?"  
"I spilt some fruit juice on my blouse when you went over that speed bump," said Lorelai. "Do you think it'll leave a stain?"  
  
"It's water, Lorelai."  
  
"I think some went down my blouse," said Lorelai, popping open the top button of her blouse as she peered down. Luke was watching her out of the corner of his eye, trying very hard to pay more attention to the road – but it was a difficult think to do, especially when he had one Lorelai Gilmore with an unbuttoned bloused sitting next to him.  
  
"Could you stop that?" said Luke, his voice almost quivering, but he hid it well.  
  
"Nobody's asking you to look," said Lorelai, "And shouldn't you be keeping your eyes on the road?"  
  
"I wasn't looking," said Luke, turning to her, "I'm just saying, if you're …"  
  
He didn't finish his sentence in time, as when he looked back at the road he found that he had somehow drifted over the left lane, and nearly rammed into a parked car. He swerved to his right quickly, only to find that his truck was responding quicker than he expected, crashing over the pavement and into a fire hydrant. His truck came to a complete halt – the bonnet folded - as a geyser of water shot up from the now broken hydrant.  
  
"That was fun," said Lorelai, after a couple moments of silence.  
  
"Great," said Luke. He looked over to Lorelai, who seemed strangely fascinated by the water gushing from the ground. "Are you all right?"  
  
"I'm fine," said Lorelai. "Is that wine shooting from the ground?"  
  
Luke sighed, and tried not to scream in frustration. He clenched his fists tightly for a moment, and tried to undo his safety belt. It wouldn't snap open. He pulled at it frantically, unsuccessfully. "Dammit! It's stuck."  
  
"Mine's fine," said Lorelai, as she undid hers. "I think you're doing yours wrongly. You have to press the button while you're pulling it out. Here, let me."  
  
Lorelai leaned over to Luke, forgetting that she still had the open bottle of water in her hand. Most of it had already spilled out when they crashed into the fire hydrant, but there was still some left inside – the rest of which she accidentally poured over his lap as she leaned towards him.  
  
"Lorelai!"  
  
"Ah, crap," said Lorelai, throwing the bottle down. She reached into her bag and took out a tissue. "Sorry. Let me get that." She began running the tissue up and down his lap, trying to soak up the water.  
  
"Will you stop that?" Luke fidgeted, trying to get her away, despite the strange (and very, very wrong) feeling that he was actually enjoying what she was doing. "Leave it alone."  
  
"I'm just trying to help," said Lorelai, who still had her hand on his lap. She paused as she noticed something – she leaned closer to his lap for a further inspection. "Is it going to stain your pants?"  
  
"I don't know," said Luke, getting incredibly uncomfortable at this point. "And could you please move your head …"  
  
He was interrupted by the rattling against his window. He couldn't see who it was, because the water spurting outside had limited much of his visibility. He wound down the window. A bright line shone into the truck  
  
"And what do we have here?" The police officer said, as he looked at what may be a terribly incriminating scene.  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Next time, on Hey Mr Bachelor Man : Lorelai is diagnosed with a rare disease, which means Luke will have to donate half his lungs to save her life. Meanwhile, at home, Rory is visited by Tristan, who reveals a dark and terrible secret – he is not human. Jess discovers he is psychic, and in a special cross-over episode with "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", Lane's mother is turned into a creature of the night and is hunted by Buffy and her ragtag group of heroes. I'll let you take a guess whether I'm joking or not. :) 


	10. Prison Bars Make You Look Slimmer

TEN: PRISON BARS MAKE YOU LOOK SLIMMER  
- this is an updated version. There were several embarrasing mistakes that I didn't want in here. I hope that's the last of them. I really need to proof read more. And for fun, I threw in a few extra lines of dialogue here and there.   
  
  
Lorelai opened her eyes, and discovered she was staring at a very unfamiliar ceiling. It was not like the ceiling of her bedroom – it looked different. And dirtier. And gloomier. The splitting headache she was having did not seem to help clear things up. She groaned as she sat up, and discovered that the walls and floor also did not look like her bedroom… so she formed a rational conclusion that she *wasn't* in her bedroom.  
  
She looked around, and discovered Luke was sitting across from her, staring out of the prison bars. For a moment, it looked like there were two Luke's, but her vision corrected itself after she rubbed her eyes.   
  
"Why am I in jail?" was the first thing that came out of her mouth. Her voice felt hoarse and dry, and she cleared her throat afterwards.  
  
Luke glanced over to her. "Oh, you're up."  
  
"Great observation skills," said Lorelai, running her hand through her hair. The headache was killing her. "What's going on?"  
  
"You don't remember anything?"  
  
"Not much," said Lorelai. "I remember the auction… and the restaurant. And the truck. And for some reason, I'm getting a lot of mental images of water. What happened?"  
  
"We kind of got into a minor accident," said Luke, walking across the room and sitting on the bench beside her.  
  
"Oh. I sort of remember a crash," said Lorelai.  
  
"You really don't remember anything else?" Luke asked, nervously, hoping to God that she didn't.  
  
"Hmmm," Lorelai paused. "No."  
  
"Oh." He tried to hide his relief.  
  
"How long have we been here?"  
  
"Three hours," said Luke, looking at his watch. "And counting."  
  
"I don't get it," said Lorelai. "So we knocked into a …" She motioned for Luke to complete the sentence for her.  
  
"… hydrant."  
  
"… hydrant, and they throw us into jail? That doesn't make sense. I mean… you weren't drunk, right?"  
  
"Well," Luke paused before continuing. "They kind of locked us in here for something else."  
  
"What?"  
  
Luke told her.  
  
"WHAT?!" Lorelai nearly screamed. "How is that… how could they … didn't you tell them something?"  
  
"I tried to," Luke explained, "But it didn't help that you passed out on the way to the police station. I spent the first two hours trying to explain that it was just a mistake, and the other hour trying to tell them that you weren't a hooker."  
  
"Did you succeed?"  
  
"Yeah, they believed me, but I said, hey, throw us in jail anyways. What do you think?"  
  
"Great," said Lorelai, rubbing her temples. "Did you call anybody?"  
  
"I tried to call Jess, but nobody picked up. I guess he's out mugging an old lady somewhere. And when I tried to call someone else, this burly policeman told me my time was up."  
  
Lorelai sighed, before she realized something. "I still have one phone call, right?"  
  
*   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Rory, it's me."   
  
"Mom?"  
  
"No, it's Eartha Kitt, channeling in from another dimension," said Lorelai. "I'm going to be back a little late tonight, okay?"  
  
"Having fun with Luke?" Rory asked.  
  
"Well, that's one way of putting it," Lorelai said. "Oh, yeah, and I need you to do me a small favor."  
  
"Erm, sure. What?"  
  
"Bail me out of jail."  
  
There was nothing but silence on the other end of the phone. "What?"  
  
"I'm at the Hartford police lock-up. Bail me out of jail," repeated Lorelai. "Geez, don't act like it's such a strange thing. Mothers ask daughters to do this all the time."  
  
"Why are you in jail?"  
  
"Erm, because they thought I was a hooker?"  
  
"Seriously."  
  
"Oh, believe me, I'm serious."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Yeah, apparently they thought me and Luke were pulling a Hugh Grant – Divine Brown escapade kind of thing. Total misunderstanding."  
  
"How do you misunderstand something like that?"  
  
"Look, Rory, a very big policeman named Bubba is standing three feet away from me ready to yank this telephone out of my hands the moment my five minutes are up, so it would be great if we kind of get to the point. Which is : bail me out jail."  
  
"But I …"  
  
"Rory, I've got to go, Bubba's glaring at me," said Lorelai. "I'm at Hartford, come soon, because I think our three hundred pound cellmate is looking at Luke affectionately and you know what they do to pretty boys in prison."  
  
"Did you just call Luke a pretty boy?"  
  
"Well, he's the prettiest one here. Runner up is some guy who has so many tattoos I'm going blind."  
  
"What kind of -"  
  
"Argh!" Lorelai exclaimed as the policeman clicked the phone and cut off the line. "What is your problem? I was talking there."  
  
"Five minutes were up."  
  
"So? Like an extra ten seconds would have really contravened the law."  
  
"Rules are rules."  
  
"Rules are made to be broken."  
  
"Go back to your cell, ma'am."  
  
"Fine."  
  
*  
  
"So Rory's coming over?"  
  
"Yup," said Lorelai. "My daughter is going to bail us out of prison. Wow, I never thought I'd actually hear those words come out of my mouth. Hmmm... here I am rotting away in jail while my daughter has to fend for herself. Now I know how Mena Suvari's mom felt in 'Sugar and Spice'."  
  
"Believe me, this isn't where I thought I'd end up either," said Luke, crossing his arms.  
  
"Hey," said Lorelai, nudging him, discreetly motioning towards a large, burly inmate in the cell across from theirs. "I think Tiny over there likes you."  
  
"What? Don't say that."  
  
"He's been staring at you ever since you got here."  
  
"How would you know, you were knocked out cold half the time."  
  
"I think it's love at first sight."  
  
"Stop it."  
  
"Luke and Tiny sitting in a tree…"  
  
"Ah geez. You can't even behave yourself in jail, can you."  
  
"What are you going to name your kids? I suggest Luke Jr., and of course, Lorelai if it's a girl."  
  
"Stop it."  
  
"Do they even have flannel diapers?"  
  
"You're not funny."  
  
"I can help you pick out a wedding dress. It'll be white with horizontal black stripes. Hehe… get it? Ooh. Or, the popular choice... Flannel! Versace will be bouncing off the wall with that one."  
  
"Well if he doesn't, I will soon. I can't believe I'm locked in here with you."  
  
"Hello, I'm Luke Danes, Tiny's bitc…"  
  
"Lorelai Gilmore!" Emily's voice resonated through the hall. Lorelai froze, as she saw her mother approaching the prison bars, escorted by a policeman.   
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Would you like to explain to me how exactly you ended up here?"  
  
"What are you doing here, Mom?"  
  
"Rory called me."  
  
"Rory called you?"  
  
"Yes. My grand daughter called me in the middle of the night to tell me that her mother just got thrown into jail. Do you have any idea what that's like?"  
  
"Why did she call you? I told her to come down here."  
  
"Yes, and I'm sure asking an eighteen year old girl to drive all alone to a prison in the dead of the night is a perfectly responsible thing to do."  
  
"It's not a prison, Mom," said Lorelai. "It's a police station."  
  
"She didn't have the money," said Emily. "Apparently you spent it all on a gigolo."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She told me you used up all your money to buy some man…"  
  
"I'm standing right here," said Luke.  
  
"Oh," Emily looked past Lorelai, and stared at Luke. "Now it makes sense."  
  
"Can we save the lecture for later, and just please get us out of here?" Lorelai begged.  
  
"No," said Emily. "It seems fitting that the only time you'll listen to me is when you're behind bars. Do you have any idea how embarrassing this whole situation is? Not just for you, not just for me, but for our entire family. What do you think will happen if word of this gets out? How will Rory feel if her classmates knew about this? Do you know how utterly humiliating it is, to have a complete stranger tell you that your daughter was caught … ugh, I can't even say it."  
  
"Mom , it was…"  
  
"That my own daughter was caught… pleasuring… some man after they destroyed public property," Emily decided she could say it after all. "If I could bury my head in the sand now, I would. That's how embarrassed I am."  
  
"It was an accident, Mom."  
  
"Oh, yes, I'm sure," Emily went on. "I'm sure you accidentally knocked over that fire hydrant. I'm also sure your blouse accidentally unbuttoned itself. I'm also sure the impact from the crash accidentally sent your body hurtling towards his, creating a totally misunderstood … accident."  
  
"Um, if I could just cut in," Luke stood up and walked towards Emily, "It really was just a misunderstanding."  
  
"And how would you know anything about it?" Emily shot back.  
  
"Erm… because I was there?"  
  
"Yes, and excuse me if I don't take the word of a man who sells his body to the highest bidder."  
  
"What?"   
  
"Mom," Lorelai decided to interrupt them before the two of them came to blows. "Could we please finish this elsewhere? I don't like how that policeman is smirking."  
  
"What policeman?" Emily turned around and looked at the policeman behind her, who immediately dropped his smirk when she stared at him. "What are you looking at? Do you think this is funny? This is a family crisis."  
  
"Mom, can we please go." Lorelai was this close to actual groveling.  
  
"I hope you've learnt a very valuable lesson from this."  
  
"Yes. Call Sookie to bail me out of jail."  
  
"That's not funny," said Emily. "Honestly, Lorelai, I don't know why you insist on acting like this is a joke. I'd just die if somebody from my DAR group hears about this. What if Headmaster Charleston finds out? How is Rory ever going to get any respect in Chilton?"  
  
"We'll spread a rumor that she's adopted."  
  
"That's your answer to everything," said Emily. She motioned for the policeman to unlock the cell door. "Come on. And we aren't done talking."  
  
"Yes, mother," said Lorelai, as she and Luke followed Emily out of the cell.  
  
NEXT TIME, ON "HEY MR BACHELOR MAN"  
- We shift the focus to a sizzling love triangle between Jess, Dean and Tristan. Slash galore, as we discover that the only reason Dean is so emotional around Jess is because of his burning attraction to him. And what about Tristan, who just wanted to be with Rory so he could be near Dean. But who does Jess love? The answer is one certain French man who works at Lorelai's Inn.  
-Lorelai grows a third arm and decides to fight crime.  
-In a very special cross-over segment, Jennifer Anniston guest stars as Rachel, who, while on an assignment for Ralph Lauren, stumbles across the sleepy town of Stars Hollow, and falls in love with Luke. Will their love blossom, or will a certain Charmed One (special guest star Rose McGowan) come between them?  
- And keeping up with Survivor fever: Miss Patty accosts Jeff Probst in a grocery store ("I would love to snuff his torch," she says).  
WATCH FOR IT NEXT WEEK, ON AN ALL NEW HEY MR BACHELOR MAN!  
  
PS: I know I would like to snuff Jeff Probst's torch, too. Dirrttty. 


	11. The Magically Controlled Puppet and the ...

ELEVEN: THE MAGICALLY CONTROLLED PUPPET AND THE OBLIGING TREE  
  
Lorelai and Luke stared off into the darkness as Emily's car pulled away from the driveway. Ninety percent of the journey back from Hartford was silent, and when they finally reached Lorelai's house, it was as if a huge burden was lifted. Lorelai quietly muttered a prayer of thanks that the uncomfortable ride was over, as she and Luke got out.  
  
"You could have just asked her to drop you back off at the diner," said Lorelai, "I don't think she would have minded. Then you won't have to walk back all alone. In the dark."  
  
"It's okay," Luke shoved his hands into his pants. "I didn't really want to be in that car any longer than I have to. The whole ride back she was giving me these death glares through the rear view mirror."  
  
"Ah, the infamous Death Glare, an Emily Gilmore trademark. No doubt it's been improved for the year 2002 – comes complete with a withering look and stinging commentary. You're lucky we got out as soon as we did – one more minute and I think she would have tried to force you to marry me to protect my reputation."  
  
"Ugh," Luke shuddered.  
  
Lorelai glared at him. "Gee, thanks."  
  
"Oh, no, I wasn't … not because it's a horrible thing… because, I mean, not that I don't want to marry you, but not that I do, it's just… I'm shuddering at the thought of your mother, because, you know, she's …"  
  
"Okay, pull out of reverse gear there, fella," Lorelai put her hand on his shoulder. "I was just kidding."  
  
"Er.. good," Luke sighed. "So was I."  
  
"Yeah, you're a regular Don Rickles."  
  
"I'd better get going," said Luke, motioning towards the direction of his diner. "I don't want to get back after Jess – too many questions. Too complicated."  
  
"Yeah, okay," Lorelai said. "Hey, I'm really sorry about your truck. I'll help you pay for the repairs, I promise."  
  
"Forget about it, accidents happen," Luke waved his hand. "Just go easy on the wine next time, okay? I think I've had enough of jail time to last me a lifetime."  
  
"Promise. Cross my heart and hope that Mariah Carey dies," Lorelai traced a cross over her heart with her index finger. She turned to go. "Good night, Luke. I had a really nice time tonight. Except for the jail bit. And the Emily bit. Basically everything after the hydrant was blah."  
  
"Yeah," Luke smiled at her. "Good night, Lorelai."  
  
*  
"Well, well," said Rory, flipping the light switch open suddenly, as Lorelai stepped inside. The once dark hall was almost instantly illuminated by the glow of the lamp. "Finally back home."  
  
"Gah!" Lorelai took a step back, surprised. "How many times have I told you to stop lurking in the shadows? You're not Angel, okay?"  
  
"So, how was your night?" Rory asked, sweetly.  
  
"Oh, it was nice," said Lorelai. "By the way, thanks for calling my MOTHER to pick me up from jail. Remind me to send you a nice fruit basket. Or a decapitation."  
  
"I didn't know what to do," Rory said, getting up from the couch, "It's not like I had the money. I searched the whole house and I only came up with $34.56 and a licorice stick… which is about six years old, so I don't think it's worth very much."  
  
"You could have called Sookie."  
  
"I don't know!" Rory exclaimed. "I panicked, okay? Excuse me for not knowing what to do when my mother calls me in the dead of the night and tells me that she's been thrown into jail because the cops thought she was a hooker."  
  
"Ah, forget about it," said Lorelai, plopping down on the couch. "I'm just glad the whole thing is over. You will not believe your grandmother… she gave me such a long lecture that when we left even one of the inmates was curled up in a ball in a corner of his cell. I think the Sergeant even offered her a position on riot control."  
  
"Is she going to take it?"  
  
"Well, I don't know, she's been sort of busy lately what with her role in the anti-terrorism squad and everything."  
  
"You know, while we're on the subject," Rory said, "Grandma did bring up a very good point when I spoke to her on the phone. I believe her exact words were 'What on earth is your mother doing in prison?' I had to spend three minutes telling her it wasn't because of drugs. Elaborate, please."  
  
"Oh, it's such a long story," said Lorelai, "And it's been such a long night. I'll tell it to you tomorrow. Or 2010. Whenever I feel like it."  
  
"Mom…"  
  
"Okay, fine," said Lorelai. "You know how sometimes when you're walking down the road and you see this man, who looks like his magically controlling this dancing puppet with like, nothing, but actually, there are these tiny strings attached to the puppet and only you can't see them?"  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Rory. "So what are you saying - they arrested you for holding a puppet show?"  
  
"Well, you could say that."  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Well, you see, the police officer, he thought I was the magician who was… magically controlling… Luke's puppet. Okay, I chose a wrong analogy. You know how sometimes in winter, you see a tree that looks like it should be…"  
  
"Please stop."  
  
"No, wait, this one's really good and I think it'll help you get a clear picture of what happened. You see, I'm a tree that everybody thinks was servicing Luke sexually in his truck."  
  
"I regret asking."  
  
"I think one day, we will all look back on this and laugh," said Lorelai. "Sure, it'll be preceded by many years of crying and shameful glances, but eventually we'll laugh."  
  
"How did this even happen?"  
  
"Well, Mommy became good friends with Mr. Wine," said Lorelai, "And Luke crashed his truck into a hydrant, and I spilt some water on his pants, and I'll just spare you the lewd details – needless to say, we were visited by a police officer who read us our rights, and I passed out on the way to the station."  
  
"Why did Luke crash his truck into a hydrant?"  
  
"Hmm, you know what? I don't actually know," said Lorelai. "My memory's pretty fuzzy on that one. Maybe I tried to grab the steering wheel or something. You do know how I like to touch other people's steering wheels when they drive."  
  
"Yeah, you do. What's up with that?"  
  
"I don't know," said Lorelai. "Anyways, you grandmother had a cow, I think she's going to sew me a scarlet letter to wear, as a symbol of my shame. O, for Oral."  
  
"Ew, don't be gross."  
  
"I don't think I can show my face at Friday night dinners anymore," Lorelai tossed t her hand on her forehead in an exaggerated manner. "The shame, the shame. I've brought my family's name to ruins."  
  
"Slow down there, Hester," said Rory. "And how's Luke?"  
  
"Oh, you know him, embarrassed as hell," said Lorelai. "He'll probably block this night out, like how he always does with any unpleasant events… like the time he tripped and landed face down on his own pie –"  
  
"Funny."  
  
"- or the time Miss Patty grabbed him and pretended it was an accident."  
  
"Gross."  
  
"And like those two, unpleasant events, he'll get over this one," said Lorelai. "Just don't breathe a word of this to him. I think he wants to forget this as soon as possible. And so do I."  
  
"My lips are sealed."  
  
"And as long as Miss Patty doesn't find out, no one else will."  
  
*  
  
"Oh, Lorelai," Miss Patty literally ran up to Lorelai and Rory as they were walking towards Luke's the next morning. "I just heard the news."  
  
"What news?"  
  
"You know," Miss Patty looked around, and then covered Rory's ears. "About your little indiscretion at Hartford."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Miss Patty, what are you doing?" Rory gently removed Miss Patty's hands from her ears. "And what's going on?"  
  
"Oh, nothing, sweetie," Miss Patty gave Rory a small pat on her head. "Your mother and I were just talking, that's all. Nothing important."  
  
"It's all right, Miss Patty," said Lorelai, "Rory knows. Because there's nothing to know. Nothing happened. It was just a big mix-up. So I'd appreciate it if you just not tell anyone about it, okay?"  
  
"Oh, a mix-up," Miss Patty gave Lorelai a wink. "Yes, I understand completely."  
  
"No, you don't," said Lorelai. "It was an actual mix up."  
  
"I get you, honey. A *mix-up*," Miss Patty stressed the last two words.  
  
"No, I don't think you're getting it," said Lorelai, "Nothing actually happened. Stop making things seem more exciting than they really are."  
  
"Oh, Lorelai, it's nothing to be ashamed of," said Miss Patty, "We've all been there. Why, once, when I was with this young, strapping man from Brazil and he …"  
  
"Please cover my ears again," Rory begged.  
  
"How did you find out about it, anyways?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"Andrew was at Hartford last night," Miss Patty explained, "For some reason, I forget. So anyways, he saw Luke crash his truck into that hydrant, and saw the policeman, and after everything quieted down, he asked them what happened. So he told Babette, who told me. And I must say, I also speak for Babette when I say … you go girl!"  
  
"Oh, God," said Rory. "Why isn't anybody covering my ears?"  
  
"There's nothing wrong with being a little adventurous now and again, that's my motto," said Miss Patty.  
  
"I thought your motto was 'The more, the merrier'," said Lorelai.  
  
"Yes, that too," Miss Patty. "Anyways, I'm so happy for the two of you. You finally got your act together. And oooh, what an opening act, I must say. Although I must admit that I never thought Luke would be the type of man who would …"  
  
"Yes, you're right," Lorelai cut in, "Luke isn't the type of man who would – because nothing happened. I don't know how else to convince you – I'm actually stopping short of hypnotism and voodoo magic."  
  
"Well, if you say so," Miss Patty said, not convinced at all, "I've got to run, my ballet class won't teach itself. I'll see you girls around." She gave them a small wave before hurrying off in the opposite direction.  
  
"This is going to be a long day," sighed Lorelai.  
  
*to be continued *  
  
NEXT WEEK, on a Very special Christmas Episode of "Hey, Mr. Bachelor Man"  
  
- The town of Stars Hollow plays secret Santa, and Rory has to buy a gift for Michel. An unlikely romance soon blossoms between the two of them when she discovers that all he really needs is love.  
- Dean confesses his true feelings to Jess , who is confused, since he already is in a relationship with Tristan. Special guest star Ellen Degeneres appears and tells them that the only way to be truly happy is to follow their heart. 


	12. The Theory of Relativity in Ancient Gree...

TWELVE: THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY IN ANCIENT GREECE  
  
Note from author: Took me a while to write this, I know. But beware, this chapter does not further the plot of the story. It's irrelevant. I couldn't think of how to carry forward the plot so I wrote this fodder piece. : ) Don't hate me too much, okay? And don't forget… reviews are my friends, because I don't have any real ones (friends, that is).  
  
"This is a perfect day start to my morning," Lorelai grumbled as she pulled Rory away and walked speedily towards Luke's diner. "If things keep up, I should be bleeding from a head wound by lunch."  
  
"Aw, mom, Miss Patty was just being herself," Rory said, "It'll all go away soon."  
  
"Yeah? But how soon is soon? I'll have you know, soon is relative - to you, what if soon means to you what forever means to me, and who are you to say that your soon is the acceptable level of soon-ness by which all time should be measured?"  
  
"You took your crazy pills today, didn't you."  
  
"I mean, Miss Patty's idea of 'soon' could be even longer – if she were in Ancient Greece and they asked her when computers would be invented, she would probably say 'soon'."  
  
"Okay, mom, unless Miss Patty has invented some form of time-traveling device, or she is Michael J. Fox, there's no way that scenario could ever happen," Rory said. "I think you need to take a deep breath, calm down, grab a nice cup of coffee. Preferably in that order."  
  
"Ugh, I want to hit Miss Patty over the head with a stick. One that's blunt but edgy."  
  
"And now we've crossed into violence," Rory stopped and pointed to Luke's diner. "Look, Luke's. What say we go in and get coffee."  
  
"Oooh. Coffee. Me like coffee. Coffee good. Calming down, thinking of coffee," Lorelai sighed.  
  
"That's a good girl," Rory pushed open the door and walked in. She found an empty table near the counter and took a seat, Lorelai following close behind.  
  
Luke walked up to them. "So, what are you having?"  
  
"A large blunt stick with which to mutilate a fellow town member," said Lorelai. "And coffee."  
  
"Same here," said Rory. "Minus the large blunt stick."  
  
"So, one large blunt stick and two coffees," Luke repeated.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Say, Miss Patty walked in a couple of minutes ago," Luke said, "And she kept giving me the strangest look. It was like a half-wink with a half-smile. It was neither here or there. Did she finally get that stroke?"  
  
"In a perfect world, the answer would be yes," said Lorelai.   
  
"Miss Patty get on your nerves today, too?"  
  
"It's a very long story," said Lorelai. "Could you bring us our coffee please? If I don't get my fix soon I might actually turn into one of those movies with Jane Seymour in them – dull and lifeless."  
  
"I'll get right on it," said Luke, turning around and walking to the counter.  
  
"Don't forget my stick."  
  
"I'll get right on that, too."  
  
"Oh!" Rory got up. "My bus!"  
  
"What?" Lorelai looked around. "Where?"  
  
"No! My bus, I'm late," Rory put her wrist forward so her mother could look at her watch. "I totally forgot, the bus driver said he would come early today."  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"I don't know," said Rory. "I was reading so I wasn't really listening. Anyways, I have to run or I'm going to miss my bus and Paris will laugh in my face."  
  
"Ah, Paris. God bless that child."  
  
Rory picked her school bag from her chair and slung it over her shoulder. "I'll see you later today, okay, mom?" She turned and hurried out the door, but not before she gave Luke a frantic wave goodbye as she tumbled out of the dinner and raced towards her bus.  
  
"Hmm. She forget something?" Luke asked, as he put down a cup of coffee on Lorelai's table.  
  
"No, early bus."  
  
"Ah." Luke sat down opposite Lorelai. He seemed to hesitate a moment before he did it, but he did it anyways. "Hey, Lorelai…"  
  
"If this is about last night, I am so sorry," said Lorelai, reaching into her purse. "I know, it was completely my fault, and I know what you said earlier, but if you'd just listen to me, I'm sure you won't be completely against a small cheque for your truck."  
  
"Come on, Lorelai, you know I won't take your money."  
  
"But your truck's all wrecked. It was your pride and joy. It was like the child you never had. It's like … I killed your child. If this were 'A Map of the World', I would be Sigourney Weaver to your Julianne Moore."  
  
"Hey, it's no big deal, it's just a care. I'm just glad things didn't end up as bad as they could have. Nobody got hurt, so that's the important thing."  
  
"Yeah, but if I didn't get you to take part in that stupid bachelor auction, and if I didn't drink all that wine you wouldn't have crashed your truck and we wouldn't have ended up in jail."  
  
"Well, the bachelor auction *was* stupid," said Luke, after a while, "And there's no way in hell I'm doing that again. But if it's anybody's fault, it's Taylor's."  
  
"Why Taylor?"  
  
"If he didn't organize it you wouldn't have persuaded me to join it in the first place," said Luke, with a small smile. "So let's put the blame on Taylor and leave it as that, okay?"  
  
"Are you sure? Because if you want, I could pay for at least half …"  
  
"It's fine," said Luke. "Forget about it."  
  
"But your child…"  
  
"I'll adopt another."  
  
Lorelai laughed. "Okay, but if you ever change…"  
  
"Give it a rest, Lorelai."  
  
"I don't know the meaning of rest."  
  
"It's a verb, meaning to cease work or activity," said Luke, getting up. "Look it up."  
  
"Oh, that's the pot calling the kettle a kitchen instrument used for heating, Workaholic Wally," said Lorelai. "If I had a dollar for ever day you took a day off, I wouldn't even have enough money to buy one of Monica Lewinsky's handbags over the internet."  
  
"Hey, I can't just up and leave the diner whenever I feel like it. People depend on me for food. And I know *you* depend on. The last time I went out of town for a couple of days I found you in the corner of your room, curled up in a ball and whispering 'coffee' over and over again."  
  
"Let's not talk about that," said Lorelai. "It was a very tough period in my life. Although Rory did say I sounded a lot like Gollum that one time. My preciousssss coffee."  
  
Luke gave her a look. "Stop that."  
  
"You have no idea who Gollum is, do you."  
  
"You're going to tell me anyway no matter what I say."  
  
"How can you have not watched Lord of the Rings? What is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Are you mad? Is that it? Are you crazy? Are you mad?"  
  
"Look, Lorelai, I don't have time to wa …"  
  
"You at least read the book , right? How could you have not read the book? You must have read it in high school, at least. What is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Are you mad? Is that it? Are you crazy? Are you mad?"  
  
"When I was in high school, I was too busy helping out in my dad's hardware store to even read, okay. Now, if you…"  
  
"You're sadly uneducated in pop culture. I must say I'm disappointed."  
  
"And I must say I want to leave. I have work to do, Lorelai, or have you forgotten that I actually run a diner."  
  
"You're an embarrassment."  
  
"Go home, Lorelai. Or to work. Go somewhere."  
  
"They should put you parade you around town and shame you."  
  
"I'm busy."  
  
"Anna Nicole Smith would look at you in disgust."  
  
"If I make you some pancakes will ya keep quiet?"  
  
"Deal."  
  
"Good," said Luke, as he walked behind the counter.  
  
* end of this part *  
  
  
NEXT WEEK ON HEY MR. BACEHLOR MAN  
  
1. Lorelai finds out she is pregnant with Sookie's baby. How will this affect her relationship with Luke, and Sookie's relationship with Jackson?  
2. Stars Hollow holds its first annual Charles Manson appreciation day – but one towns member takes the celebrations a little to far when Michel is found decapitated outside the Inn. The mystery thickens as Rory is spotted wielding an axe and drinking beer…. is it Rory, or is it her twin sister Lorita that Lorelai gave away at birth?! 


	13. Twenty Bucks

THIRTEEN: (EPILOGUE) TWENTY BUCKS  
  
"Mmm, pancakes!" Lorelai rubbed her hands together in glee as Luke put the plate down in front of her. "If there's anything that can make a bad day good, it's pancakes. Mmm."  
  
"Don't get too attached to them," said Luke, "You'll be shoving them down your throat in a couple of seconds anyways."  
  
"Only so they can be closer to my heart," Lorelai said with a small smile.   
  
Luke sighed. He wondered why he even listened to her sometimes, but then again he knew the answer to that. He watched in amazement as Lorelai began working on her pancakes, stopping only to take a big gulp of her coffee.  
  
"If you don't slow down you're going to choke."  
  
"Blah, blah," said Lorelai between bites. "You know the Heimlich maneuver, right?"  
  
"Yeah, but …"  
  
"So we're covered."  
  
The door to the diner creaked as Miss Patty pushed it open and pranced in excitedly. She spotted Luke and Lorelai at the table and walked over to them eagerly.   
  
"I'll need that large blunt stick now," Lorelai whispered to Luke as she spotted Miss Patty coming over.  
  
"Hello, darlings," Miss Patty sauntered over, pulling a chair and sitting down. "I'm not… interrupting anything, am I?"  
  
"No, you're not," Luke said, gruffly.  
  
"Oh, well, I thought I'd ask anyway. Better safe than sorry," said Miss Patty, giving Luke a wink. "You never know what you two could be up too nowadays. Especially after that …"  
  
"Miss Patty," Lorelai cut in abruptly. "Is there any particular reason as to why you're here?"  
  
"Not really, I was just thinking, well, you and I haven't really had the chance to talk much, dear, you've been so busy, I've been so busy…"  
  
"Miss Patty, I just saw you this morning. Less than an hour ago. What do you want?"  
  
"Want? I don't want anything, dear," Miss Patty gently patted Lorelai's hand. "Is it so unusual for me to want to catch up on old times?"  
  
"I see through you like cheap plastic, Miss Patty," Lorelai said. "Now spill."  
  
"Okay, fine," Miss Patty said. "Now, if you don't mind, I would like to hear, in your own words, what exactly happened between the two of you last night, preferably with detailed descriptions of each action. Luke, I would also like to hear your version of events. Andrew provided some information but I think he missed out the juicy bits. The whole town has a pool going about how you guys would finally get together, and I want to see if I won."  
  
"What?" Luke put the coffee pot he was holding down on the table suddenly. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"I told you, nothing happened," Lorelai sighed to Miss Patty. "Can't you just give it a rest? Isn't there a box somewhere you should be dancing on?"  
  
"Oh, no, sweetie, I did that once twenty years ago, I didn't really care for it," Miss Patty laughed as she said it. "But enough about me, back to you and Luke. Tell me, would you say that I was instrumental in bringing the two of you together – because if you say yes, I get another $20."  
  
"I'm going to get that stick," said Luke as he turned around and walked to the back of the diner.  
  
"You see what you did? You made him upset," Lorelai said. "Now he's going to be grumpy and grouchy all day."  
  
"Yes, I can see how that is a huge departure from his normal disposition," said Miss Patty. "Here's another question – was there…"  
  
"Look, Miss Patty, I'm sorry if this spoils that big pool the town is having, but nothing happened between Luke and I, okay? I've told you this before and I'm telling it to you again. Get a clue."  
  
"All right," said Miss Patty, getting up. "I guess if you say so. Well, it's better this way – Kirk was so sure he was going to win the whole thing anyway."  
  
"Yeah, well, too bad for him," said Lorelai, who decided to go back to eating what was left of her pancakes.  
  
"You know, Lorelai," said Miss Patty as she turned to go, "I don't know about you, but don't you think that if something *did* happen, it wouldn't be such a bad thing?"  
  
Lorelai stared at Miss Patty as she left, wondering about what she said. Some part of her agreed – it wouldn't have been … such a bad thing if she and Luke did get together. She looked back on that night, and realized how possessive she must have seemed, bidding on him like a… like a Miss Patty. She silently cringed at the comparison.  
  
But still… Luke. She had never thought about him romantically, but then again she probably didn't want to because she was afraid of what she might lose. He was a great guy, and when every man in her life had walked out, he had stayed behind to pick up the pieces.  
  
"Is she gone?" Luke's voice shook her out of her reverie.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Miss Patty."  
  
"Oh, yeah, she left," said Lorelai.  
  
"What did she say to you? You look kind of lost."  
  
"No, I was just… just thinking about something," said Lorelai.  
  
"About what?"  
  
"Are you free tonight?" she asked suddenly.  
  
Luke looked surprised at her question. "Um, yeah. I guess. I still have to close up the diner, but I guess so. Why?"  
  
"Would you like to have dinner with me? Just the two of us."  
  
Luke looked even more surprised. "Erm… yeah."  
  
"Good," said Lorelai, smiling. She pointed to a table at the corner of the diner. "And I think that man over there wants more coffee."  
  
"Oh," Luke turned around and spotted the man waving at him. He stammered out a few words at Lorelai, still not really sure of what exactly happened a couple of minutes ago. "Yeah. Erm. So I'll go get him some. Yeah."   
  
He turned to go and shuffled almost mechanically towards the table, his mind still trying to process what was taking place.  
  
Lorelai gave a small giggle as she watched him leave.  
  
"Maybe Miss Patty will get that extra $20 after all," she said quietly to herself. "Just maybe."  
  
* the end *   
  
- A/N: Yo, yo, my homies! What's up! How's it hanging, my peeps!  
  
Erm , okay, I don't really talk like that. Anyways, if you thought this was an abrupt ending….well, it is! I understand if you're thinking "What the crap?! That's an ending? I'll stone you, you bitch!" Despite this, I think that it is appropriate, because frankly, I'm not going to continue writing about Luke and Lorelai's first real date after this (well, maybe I will, but that's in the sequel… if people want it), because at that rate I wouldn't know when to stop :) But isn't it more fun to leave things open like this anyway?   
  
Also, another reason was that I couldn't think of any other way to prolong the fic, and rather than have a 30+ chapter fic full of crap, I thought I'd just end it when I can. I'm looking forward to what you think , write some reviews, give me ideas for a sequel if you want, tell me how much you love me, how much you love Justin Timberlake (Ewww), tell me how to grow spinach , tell me anything. I'll listen.  
  
The response for "Hey Mr. Bachelor Man" is just great (btw, it turns out it's been nominated for a GG Fanfic Award for "Best JavaJunkie Story", so that's really cool) and I would like to thank everyone who took the effort to read it, and especially to those who took the time to write down a review for the fic. Even if it were just a simple, one word review, it was still encouraging :)   
Well, that's it for "Hey Mr. Bachelor Man". I'll see you in my other fics : ) Bye. 


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